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Hi! I am Ling Cheap Car Leasing - WAH! from Dragons' Den. I lease cheap new cars!
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PRIVACY POLICY
LINGsCARS.com LTD Privacy Policy

HaHaHa! Bugger me! If you are reading this then you must be REALLY worried about your privacy, well... don't worry!

Overview


"New easyJet hostess"
Look, LINGsCARS.com has been trading profitably for donkey's years and I have never once had a serious complaint about someone's privacy. Apart from that nude photo of the easyJet air hostess I published, but that was totally accidental. Michael O'Leary liked that one. However, it pays not to be too paranoid. Certain things are NOT really private, they are semi-public.

Public information

I always hold your information very securely, but some information is out in the open and already public.

For instance, your address is generally public, is broadcast on the voter's roll and is probably sitting there on Google. Anyone who wants to find you can find you. Your car is parked outside your house, so your reg number is hardly a state secret. 100 Spotty and drug-abusing pond-life youths pass your house every day, and glance in your windows. Your bank details... well you give them away, including your bank account name and number, every time you write a cheque. If I were to root through your dustbin, I would figure your chocolate cake fetish. So you have to be a bit sensible.


"Personal documents are kept private!"
Being sensible

If you use me to get a new car, we will have to share loads of "private" information and from my point of view I do a hell of a lot of work to keep all of that stuff private and hidden. But nothing in life is perfect, and you can never remain "the invisible man".
Or woman.

Applying for a car

If you're applying for a car, I do have to pass your info to a finance company and also (probably) to a car dealer. Car dealers are hopeless. So, while I keep your information securely on a locked-down server at LINGsCARS, other people at finance companies and car dealers may not be so careful and it probably ends up printed on a bit of paper lying on their desk. Finance companies and car dealers are like that.

Private information

Most of your "private" information is available to all via a credit search. I never carry out these credit searches myself, but a finance company certainly will, if you apply for a car. It's no good asking me what's on your credit profile, because I can't see it. But if you want me to guess, I will. If you are particularly persistent, I will make up some fantastic stories about you that will stop you clicking "send" to me, ever again.

Collection of Information


"I keep all information about Duncan Bannatyne's ice cream van private"
LINGsCARS.com holds and stores certain information about you. For example, your breast size, your blood group, your HIV status... no, I don't, really.

I actually hold information related to your visit to this site (such as which pages you visit, how often you visit, where you come from and information you specifically provide to enable you to receive a particular service). But this is all sensible stuff I need in order to make the site work and to give 99.9% of visitors the interactive, enthralling experience they want. Most people would not be able to make head or tail of this rubbish if they tried. Nevertheless, it exists so I tell you about it.

Use of Information Collected

I will only use the information you provide me to process customer orders, get you a car, to send you information you have requested and to help me develop the site to be more useful to you. If you don't want me to tell anyone you have requested a badge, or played my quiz, or scratched your arse, then don't do those things. This is a fairly communicative website. On LINGsCARS, I interact with people. I don't try to embarrass people... but on the other hand, I have fun and we all join in. You are ordering a new car, no-one dies.

Non-personal data may also be used and stored with other persons.

I do not sell or transfer any personal information outside LINGsCARS.com other than where explicit reference is made and approval obtained from you when you provide the information, or where passing that information to third parties is necessary to provide you with the information or service requested. I would love to sell it, because I would make a fortune out of it - but I don't. I put it all on a compost heap called "old data" and I sit on it. Eventually, worms eat it.

Data Protection

LINGsCARS.com has adopted a policy of occasional compliance with the data protection laws of the United Kingdom and takes reasonable care to prevent any unauthorised access to your personal data. Actually, I take great care to prevent any unauthorised access to your personal data, but that sounds pious and self-congratulatory. Also, I'm asking for trouble if I say that I do fantastic things better than most, so I restrict myself to the modest claim of "occasional compliance" and "reasonable care".


"Oh god, not my privacy policy AGAIN..."
If you want to know exactly what information LINGsCARS.com holds on you, you can obtain it by requesting a Subject Access Request Form from LINGsCARS.com at its registered office. A fee will be payable for such access. I have set the fee at ÂŁ999.99 (including VAT), because, frankly, it will take me weeks to get it all together and I want to make a few quid from you.

By supplying me with information, you confirm that you do not consider use of your information in accordance with this Privacy Statement to be a breach of any of your rights under the Telecommunications (Data Protection and Privacy) Regulations 1999. Or your human rights. By entering information on forms or providing me with any personal information you are consenting to me processing that data for my own business use and holding it on my server. The problem with all these clauses in this Privacy Policy (and others) is that you never read them before you use my website, which is both stupid and sensible. It's stupid because you are giving away all your rights, but sensible because if you read every Privacy Policy you would never have time to surf the web or view any porn. Time is money!

Police and MI5 requests

You should also be aware that if the police or any regulatory or governmental authority investigating suspected unlawful activities demands me to provide your personal details and/or information concerning your activities whilst visiting this site, I shall do so grumpily (however, if we were in China I would think twice about this, as you might end up being shot). If the forces of evil want to know anything about your use of porn, I will stall them as long as possible before grassing you up, completely. Having said that, I have never been approached by MI5 with a demand for your Top 10 Pussy Flick information, so don't worry.

How do I keep your information secure?


"My tank of last resort"
Despite all the rubbish above, LINGsCARS.com takes the security of your personal data very very Seriously with a capital "S", bold and underline. I use industrial security software to safeguard your data and I also own a Browning machine gun and a small tank. I never sell your information or pass it to anyone other than finance proposal companies and supplying dealers.

I hope you feel you can trust me. If you've read this far, you deserve a free car, and an aspirin as big as a dustbin lid! I do my best. Other Privacy Policies mean absolutely nothing and are full of shit! So I hope you appreciate my honesty
- Ling





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...so, you know who I am
- Ling


THE UK's FAVOURITE
CAR LEASING WEBSITE!

The UK's FAVOURITE car leasing website
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Boss: Ling Valentine MSc IoD
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Latest BBC NEWS from LING in CHINGLISH!

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Wah! Three cases linked to alleged sexual abuse of Belfast woman MaĂ­ria Cahill to be reviewed, lah, Public Prosecution service (???) I wan' service , I wan' you tellibly lovely custlingmer give me damn velly damn good service has announced. I read you little red book! - news replorted 10:17



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Wah! The UK's current-account Achilles' heel - news replorted 08:14



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Wah! An Australian man is convicted of performing sex act in front of webcam "watched by" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) computer-generated child bloody man believed was real. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 07:31



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Wah! The Hong Kong government is to meet student leaders for talks on ending pro-democracy street protests that now in their fourth week. What you wan'?!! - news replorted 04:02



Wah! Christophe de Margerie, lah, head of French oil company, lah, Total, lah, has been killed in crash at Vnukovo airport in Moscow. I am Chinese not Catholic, I cannot do the miracles! - news replorted 03:41



Wah! Oscar Pistorius' siblings describe their heartache and criticise media coverage of male gender human bleing's trial, lah, on eve of South African athlete's sentencing. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 03:07



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Wah! Scientists say they having identified underlying reason why some human bliengs prone to winter blues, lah, or seasonal affective disorder (SAD). - news replorted 02:21



Wah! David Attenborough's new series on journey through life - news replorted 01:47



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Wah! What happened to kids from 1970s experimental schools? - news replorted 01:37



Wah! The government is launching advertising campaign urging benefit claimants to report changes in circumstances or face jail. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 01:25



Wah! MPs to debate whether voters should be able to deselect them using "power of recall" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) if they commit wrongdoings. Eating rice!! - news replorted 01:22



Wah! The photographer who snapped Gandalf and Jean-Luc Picard - news replorted 01:19



Wah! Robbers and muggers who using guns or knives in Province of Engrish running-dogs and Welsh land of sheep and more sheep would face tougher prison sentences under proposed new guidelines. Eating rice!! - news replorted 01:17



Wah! The project that enabled paralysed man to walk again - news replorted 01:12



Wah! A paralysed man has been able to walk again after pioneering therapy that involved transplanting specialist cells into male gender human bleing's damaged spinal cord. I read you little red book! - news replorted 01:07



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Wah! UKIP Commonwealth spokesman Winston McKenzie has said song UKIP Calypso, lah, which is performed with mock Caribbean accent by DJ Mike Read, lah, is "fantastic". - news replorted 00:53



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Wah! The discovery that transformed theories of human evolution - news replorted 00:32



Wah! Salisbury is named as "must-see" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) and one of best cities in world to visit next year by travel guide Lonely Planet. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 00:29



Wah! How racing tube went global - news replorted 00:24



Wah! old bill bobbys Ombudsman Michael Maguire criticises role of PSNI in On Runs scheme. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 00:20



Wah! The Northern autonomous province of Guinness drinkers Assembly has voted by 91 votes to 10 in favour of making it crime (shoud shoot them) to pay for sex. - news replorted 00:11



Wah! The man who magically made maths fun - news replorted 00:08



Wah! What did riot at pumpkin festival show about race in US? - news replorted 00:01



Wah! Hyundai ix35 Fuel Cell first ix35 Fuel Cell clustomler vehicling driving car machines having arrived in UK, lah, continuing Hyundai’s global roll-out of world’s f - news replorted 00:01



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