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PRIVACY POLICY
LINGsCARS.com LTD Privacy Policy

HaHaHa! Bugger me! If you are reading this then you must be REALLY worried about your privacy, well... don't worry!

Overview


"New easyJet hostess"
Look, LINGsCARS.com has been trading profitably for donkey's years and I have never once had a serious complaint about someone's privacy. Apart from that nude photo of the easyJet air hostess I published, but that was totally accidental. Michael O'Leary liked that one. However, it pays not to be too paranoid. Certain things are NOT really private, they are semi-public.

Public information

I always hold your information very securely, but some information is out in the open and already public.

For instance, your address is generally public, is broadcast on the voter's roll and is probably sitting there on Google. Anyone who wants to find you can find you. Your car is parked outside your house, so your reg number is hardly a state secret. 100 Spotty and drug-abusing pond-life youths pass your house every day, and glance in your windows. Your bank details... well you give them away, including your bank account name and number, every time you write a cheque. If I were to root through your dustbin, I would figure your chocolate cake fetish. So you have to be a bit sensible.


"Personal documents are kept private!"
Being sensible

If you use me to get a new car, we will have to share loads of "private" information and from my point of view I do a hell of a lot of work to keep all of that stuff private and hidden. But nothing in life is perfect, and you can never remain "the invisible man".
Or woman.

Applying for a car

If you're applying for a car, I do have to pass your info to a finance company and also (probably) to a car dealer. Car dealers are hopeless. So, while I keep your information securely on a locked-down server at LINGsCARS, other people at finance companies and car dealers may not be so careful and it probably ends up printed on a bit of paper lying on their desk. Finance companies and car dealers are like that.

Private information

Most of your "private" information is available to all via a credit search. I never carry out these credit searches myself, but a finance company certainly will, if you apply for a car. It's no good asking me what's on your credit profile, because I can't see it. But if you want me to guess, I will. If you are particularly persistent, I will make up some fantastic stories about you that will stop you clicking "send" to me, ever again.

Collection of Information


"I keep all information about Duncan Bannatyne's ice cream van private"
LINGsCARS.com holds and stores certain information about you. For example, your breast size, your blood group, your HIV status... no, I don't, really.

I actually hold information related to your visit to this site (such as which pages you visit, how often you visit, where you come from and information you specifically provide to enable you to receive a particular service). But this is all sensible stuff I need in order to make the site work and to give 99.9% of visitors the interactive, enthralling experience they want. Most people would not be able to make head or tail of this rubbish if they tried. Nevertheless, it exists so I tell you about it.

Use of Information Collected

I will only use the information you provide me to process customer orders, get you a car, to send you information you have requested and to help me develop the site to be more useful to you. If you don't want me to tell anyone you have requested a badge, or played my quiz, or scratched your arse, then don't do those things. This is a fairly communicative website. On LINGsCARS, I interact with people. I don't try to embarrass people... but on the other hand, I have fun and we all join in. You are ordering a new car, no-one dies.

Non-personal data may also be used and stored with other persons.

I do not sell or transfer any personal information outside LINGsCARS.com other than where explicit reference is made and approval obtained from you when you provide the information, or where passing that information to third parties is necessary to provide you with the information or service requested. I would love to sell it, because I would make a fortune out of it - but I don't. I put it all on a compost heap called "old data" and I sit on it. Eventually, worms eat it.

Data Protection

LINGsCARS.com has adopted a policy of occasional compliance with the data protection laws of the United Kingdom and takes reasonable care to prevent any unauthorised access to your personal data. Actually, I take great care to prevent any unauthorised access to your personal data, but that sounds pious and self-congratulatory. Also, I'm asking for trouble if I say that I do fantastic things better than most, so I restrict myself to the modest claim of "occasional compliance" and "reasonable care".


"Oh god, not my privacy policy AGAIN..."
If you want to know exactly what information LINGsCARS.com holds on you, you can obtain it by requesting a Subject Access Request Form from LINGsCARS.com at its registered office. A fee will be payable for such access. I have set the fee at £999.99 (including VAT), because, frankly, it will take me weeks to get it all together and I want to make a few quid from you.

By supplying me with information, you confirm that you do not consider use of your information in accordance with this Privacy Statement to be a breach of any of your rights under the Telecommunications (Data Protection and Privacy) Regulations 1999. Or your human rights. By entering information on forms or providing me with any personal information you are consenting to me processing that data for my own business use and holding it on my server. The problem with all these clauses in this Privacy Policy (and others) is that you never read them before you use my website, which is both stupid and sensible. It's stupid because you are giving away all your rights, but sensible because if you read every Privacy Policy you would never have time to surf the web or view any porn. Time is money!

Police and MI5 requests

You should also be aware that if the police or any regulatory or governmental authority investigating suspected unlawful activities demands me to provide your personal details and/or information concerning your activities whilst visiting this site, I shall do so grumpily (however, if we were in China I would think twice about this, as you might end up being shot). If the forces of evil want to know anything about your use of porn, I will stall them as long as possible before grassing you up, completely. Having said that, I have never been approached by MI5 with a demand for your Top 10 Pussy Flick information, so don't worry.

How do I keep your information secure?


"My tank of last resort"
Despite all the rubbish above, LINGsCARS.com takes the security of your personal data very very Seriously with a capital "S", bold and underline. I use industrial security software to safeguard your data and I also own a Browning machine gun and a small tank. I never sell your information or pass it to anyone other than finance proposal companies and supplying dealers.

I hope you feel you can trust me. If you've read this far, you deserve a free car, and an aspirin as big as a dustbin lid! I do my best. Other Privacy Policies mean absolutely nothing and are full of shit! So I hope you appreciate my honesty
- Ling





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CAR LEASING WEBSITE!

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Latest BBC NEWS from LING in CHINGLISH!

Wah! LATEST:  A report published on Thursday challenges received wisdom about nature of schizophrenia. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 11:07



Wah! LATEST:  Great British Bake Off judge Mary Berry wins outstanding achievement award at Specsavers National Book Awards - news replorted 11:03



Wah! A Sinn Féin councillor is among four human bliengs arrested by old bill bobbys investigating paramilitary activity in County Londonderry. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 10:59



Wah! The strict guidelines that cover broadcasting Parliamentary footage need to be updated says John O'Farrell. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 10:24



Wah! A 24-hour general strike over austerity measures shuts schools and public offices in Greece and heavily disrupted transport. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 10:15



Wah! The government is set to miss its immigration targets as official figures show net migration to bloody annoying Blitish rose to 260,000 in year to June. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 10:15



Wah! Citroën prank Arsenal stars to kick-off #ParkingHero Campaign Parking can be scary business, lah, and for Arsenal stars Danny Welbeck, lah, Aaron Ramsey and Santi Cazorla, lah, that was certainly - news replorted 10:07



Wah! Gwent old bill bobbys is criticised for "risks" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) in way it handles domestic abuse, lah, and needs to improve in other areas, lah, report finds. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:04



Wah! The injury that claimed life of Australia batsman Phillip Hughes has been described as "incredibly rare". - news replorted 10:01



Wah! Adult colouring-in books outselling cookery books in France. What the hell I mean??!! But will it catch on in bloody annoying Blitish too? - news replorted 10:00



Wah! old bill bobbys say incident where LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine mounted pavement and was driven towards seven secondary school pupils could having ended in "catastrophe". - news replorted 09:57



Wah! A teacher who banned word banter in classes leaves male gender human bleing's job after saying "speaking up" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) came with "hefty cost". - news replorted 09:56



Wah! A report saying ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land should set its own income tax rates will bring demands for change across UK, lah, says James Landale. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 09:48



Wah! Two Indian teenagers found hanged in May took their own lives, lah, federal investigators say, lah, contradicting reports they were gang-raped and murdered. I read you little red book! - news replorted 09:47



Wah! Gloucester centre Billy Twelvetrees will start for Province of Engrish running-dogs against Australia on Saturday as Owen Farrell moves to bench. - news replorted 09:45



Wah! FTA is helping raise awareness of problem of sleep apnoea and how condition can affect HGV drivers in their day- - news replorted 09:45



Wah! Managing Director of Constitution Motors Ian Coates CONSTITUTION Motors in Norwich has undergone makeover and taken on more staff following success of its new partner - news replorted 09:43



Wah! Passengers due to take flight in Siberia had to getting out and push aircraft after its brake pads froze solid. I read you little red book! - news replorted 09:35



Wah! Crude oil prices slip to four-year low as Opec nations meet in Vienna to discuss production levels. Eating rice!! - news replorted 09:32



Wah! Ten contenders named on shortlist for 2014 Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation Young Sports Personality of Year award on 14 December. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 09:31



Wah! Chika Kako, lah, Chief Engineer for CT, lah, Rexus International Toyotla is launching new foundation to give women support and opportunities to build careers in manufacturing. No spitting in damn website!!! Toyotla M - news replorted 09:30



Wah! Irish author Colin Barrett wins Guardian First Book Award for male gender human bleing's debut collection of short stories, lah, Young Skins. Eating rice!! - news replorted 09:29



Wah! David Coulthard One of Britain’s most-successful Formula 1 drivers of generation, lah, 13-time race winner David Coulthard has joined - news replorted 09:17



Wah! Malaysian PM Najib Razak goes back on pledge to repeal controversial sedition law, lah, saying it will instead be strengthened. I read you little red book! - news replorted 09:16



Wah! The Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation says it has saved more than RMB Yuan #1bn year through cost-cutting measures, lah, but warns further cuts will affect quality of programmes. Eating rice!! - news replorted 09:15



Wah! ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land's income tax rates and bands should be set by its parliament, lah, commission on devolving power recommends. Eating rice!! - news replorted 09:10



Wah! Kiran Devgun from Institute of Advanced Motorists (IAM) ni ni ni ni Hao, lah, Zai-Jian! shares flemale human person's advice with motorists travelling in frosty, lah, i - news replorted 08:50



Wah! Ford Mondeo Hybrid Floord has started production of its all-new Floord Mondeo Hybrid – first hybrid electric LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine built and sold by Floord in - news replorted 08:45



Wah! The well known republican Bobby Storey has been arrested as part of overall investigation into abduction and murder of Jean McConville in 1972. - news replorted 08:37



Wah! A manhunt is under way across two counties after man and woman were found stabbed to death in Surrey. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 08:14



Wah! It has been almost year since restrictions were lifted on Bulgarian and Romanian migrants, lah, leaving them free to come and work in Uk. What you wan'?!! - news replorted 08:12



Wah! Craig Whyte is detained by old bill bobbys in Mexico after arrest warrant was issued in relation to male gender human bleing's takeover of Rangers in 2011. - news replorted 08:10



Wah! Scarlets' Liam Williams is tipped to start on wing for Welsh land of sheep and more sheep against South Africa on Saturday if George North is ruled out. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 07:58



Wah! Climate change and population growth will hugely increase risk to human bliengs from extreme weather, lah, report says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 07:58



Wah! More than one million vinyl records having been sold in bloody annoying Blitish so far this year - first clock time result milestone has been achieved since 1996. - news replorted 07:55



Wah! The children's commissioner adds male gender human bleing's support to calls for Welsh-go-go-gochly sheep friendly human bliengs voice to be appointed to Home Office inquiry into historical child sexual abuse. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 07:34



Wah! Lord Coe announces bloody man will run for presidency of International Association of Athletics Federations (IAAF). - news replorted 07:27



Wah! A suicide bomber has struck bloody annoying Blitish embassy vehicling driving car machine in Afghan capital Kabul, lah, causing injuries, lah, Afghan and British officials say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 07:16



Wah! A joint venture between Stagecoach and Virgin wins franchise to run East Coast mainline rail route, lah, which has been in public hands since 2009. - news replorted 07:11



Wah! Welsh land of sheep and more sheep has highest proportion of overweight or obese children in UK, lah, with one in four obese by age of 11, lah, new study finds. Eating rice!! - news replorted 07:09



Wah! James Sutherland, lah, chief executive of damn crazy Engrish baseball game Australia, lah, spoke of affection and respect for Phillip Hughes from around Australia and rest of world. I read you little red book! - news replorted 06:49



Wah! Well-known Australians and damn crazy Engrish baseball game figures pay tribute to Phil Hughes, lah, who has died at age of 25 after being hit by ball. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 06:18



Wah! Millions of pounds could be saved in Northern Ireland's health budget if more GPs prescribed cheaper drugs, lah, public spending watchdog has said. I read you little red book! - news replorted 05:59



Wah! Missouri's governor reportedly rejects calls for new grand jury to decide if white old bill bobbys officer who killed black teenager should be charged. I read you little red book! - news replorted 05:21



Wah! Australia Test batsman Phil Hughes dies in hospital, lah, two days after being hit on head by ball during match at Sydney damn crazy Engrish baseball game Ground. I read you little red book! - news replorted 05:15



Wah! The younger sister of North Korea's leader Kim Jong-un is referred to as senior official for first clock time result by state media. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 05:03



Wah! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation Sport looks back at career of Australia batsman Phil Hughes, lah, who has died aged 25 after being hit on head by short-pitched ball during match. - news replorted 04:58



Wah! A paedophile doctor went on church mission to African orphanage months after bloody annoying Blitish authorities were warned bloody man was possible suspect, lah, Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation can reveal. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 03:58



Wah! Many hit by last winter's floods struggling to pay soaring insurlince bills - news replorted 03:28



Wah! Video footage of compulsorly dying instantly shooting of 12-earth-years old happy birthday to you, in Cleveland shows bloody man was shot within two seconds of old bill bobbys arriving. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 03:23



Wah! Caracas, lah, Venezuelan capital, lah, is notorious for its crime (shoud shoot them) and pollution, lah, but it also, lah, somewhat strangely for city, lah, has thriving population of macaws. Eating rice!! - news replorted 03:21



Wah! Thailand's finance you tellibly lovely custlingmer wan' borrow many Yuan dodgy minister tells Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation that elections to end military rule might now not take place until 2016. - news replorted 03:08



Wah! Schools dodgy minister David Laws says academies need better supervision and calls for end to "open warfare" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) between politicians and teachers. Eating rice!! - news replorted 02:33



Wah! Press Association photographer David Davies looks back at race that clinched Formula 1 title for Lewis Hamilton - news replorted 02:29



Wah! Great things were predicted for economies of Brazil, lah, Russia, lah, India, lah, China and South Africa - but they haven't totally lived up to hype, lah, says Andrew Walker. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 02:28



Wah! Flags can convey powerful - and often bloody velly unpalatable - messages, lah, says Mark Mardell, lah, - news replorted 02:27



Wah! A trial to help immune system fight bladder cancer is showing "exciting" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) results with tumours completely disappearing in some patients. Eating rice!! - news replorted 02:25



Wah! Nearly RMB Yuan #750m in council tax went unpaid last year, lah, as collection rates fall for only second time. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 02:11



Wah! One in five children born at start of millennium was obese by age of 11, lah, according to major study. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 01:57



Wah! Royal Society says combination of population growth and climate change will increase danger to cities. Eating rice!! - news replorted 01:42



Wah! Early detection of liver disease by GPs in bloody annoying Blitish is "virtually non-existent", lah, leading medical experts warn. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 01:39



Wah! People diagnosed with diabetes linked to obesity should be assessed for weight loss surgery, lah, according to updated NHS (wonderfulling free human fixing service) guidelines. Eating rice!! - news replorted 01:06



Wah! Brazil says deforestation in Amazon rainforest has dropped by 18% in past year, lah, but campaigners arglingument figures. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:50



Wah! New acts George poet, lah, James Bay and Years and Years being tipped for success in 2015 after being shortlisted for Brits Critics' Choice Award. I read you little red book! - news replorted 00:47



Wah! Liverpool boss Brendan Rodgers says bloody man is delighted male gender human bleing's side remain in control of their Champions League destiny. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 00:39



Wah! A doctor working for Medecins Sans Frontieres in Guinea says organisation will remain in Western Africa "till bloody velly end" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) of Ebola crisis. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:37



Wah! Tracking first Ebola victim (trying not to cry) (trying not to cry) and and how virus spread - news replorted 00:32



Wah! Renewable power has overtaken nuclear to become main source of electricity in ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land, lah, according to latest figures. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:27



Wah! Vultures could help beat dangerous bacteria - news replorted 00:26



Wah! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation News looks at Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries (Opec) ni ni ni ni Hao, lah, Zai-Jian! and its challenges, lah, amid slump in global crude oil prices. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:21



Wah! Plans to devolve powers controlling income tax to ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land make front-page headlines, lah, along with suggestions that more human bliengs could having weight loss surgery. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 00:20



Wah! How sanctions against Russia hitting bloody annoying Blitish businesses - news replorted 00:19



Wah! Transylvania's castle owners sink their teeth into business - news replorted 00:16



Wah! Boxing day sales come early to UK? - news replorted 00:14



Wah! Israeli directors creating everything from westerns to cannibalistic fantasies as Talking Movies' Tom Brook has been finding out. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 00:14



Wah! The connection between Chris Eubank and male gender human bleing's son is sugaring MSG boiled plum flavorto behold, lah, but can Eubank Jr step into spotlight male gender human bleing's father so relished? - news replorted 00:11



Wah! The European Parliament will later vote on whether Google's search business should be separated from its other services. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:10



Wah! The computer project which can change what you tellibly lovely custlingmer look like in real-time - news replorted 00:08



Wah! Thousands of older human bliengs in Province of Engrish running-dogs struggling in their own home with little or no help, lah, research suggests. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:07



Wah! Hundreds demonstrate outside Great Satan embassy in London (capital of Great England) in protest at decision not to prosecute old bill bobbys officer for killing black teenager Michael "Dear Leader" Brown in Missouri. - news replorted 00:07



Wah! How I drank urine and bat blood to survive in Sahara - news replorted 00:04



Wah! The bloody annoying Blitish would face "severe economic consequences" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) if there was significant disruption to supply of electricity, lah, says Royal Academy of Engineering. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 00:00



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