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PRIVACY POLICY
LINGsCARS.com LTD Privacy Policy

HaHaHa! Bugger me! If you are reading this then you must be REALLY worried about your privacy, well... don't worry!

Overview


"New easyJet hostess"
Look, LINGsCARS.com has been trading profitably for donkey's years and I have never once had a serious complaint about someone's privacy. Apart from that nude photo of the easyJet air hostess I published, but that was totally accidental. Michael O'Leary liked that one. However, it pays not to be too paranoid. Certain things are NOT really private, they are semi-public.

Public information

I always hold your information very securely, but some information is out in the open and already public.

For instance, your address is generally public, is broadcast on the voter's roll and is probably sitting there on Google. Anyone who wants to find you can find you. Your car is parked outside your house, so your reg number is hardly a state secret. 100 Spotty and drug-abusing pond-life youths pass your house every day, and glance in your windows. Your bank details... well you give them away, including your bank account name and number, every time you write a cheque. If I were to root through your dustbin, I would figure your chocolate cake fetish. So you have to be a bit sensible.


"Personal documents are kept private!"
Being sensible

If you use me to get a new car, we will have to share loads of "private" information and from my point of view I do a hell of a lot of work to keep all of that stuff private and hidden. But nothing in life is perfect, and you can never remain "the invisible man".
Or woman.

Applying for a car

If you're applying for a car, I do have to pass your info to a finance company and also (probably) to a car dealer. Car dealers are hopeless. So, while I keep your information securely on a locked-down server at LINGsCARS, other people at finance companies and car dealers may not be so careful and it probably ends up printed on a bit of paper lying on their desk. Finance companies and car dealers are like that.

Private information

Most of your "private" information is available to all via a credit search. I never carry out these credit searches myself, but a finance company certainly will, if you apply for a car. It's no good asking me what's on your credit profile, because I can't see it. But if you want me to guess, I will. If you are particularly persistent, I will make up some fantastic stories about you that will stop you clicking "send" to me, ever again.

Collection of Information


"I keep all information about Duncan Bannatyne's ice cream van private"
LINGsCARS.com holds and stores certain information about you. For example, your breast size, your blood group, your HIV status... no, I don't, really.

I actually hold information related to your visit to this site (such as which pages you visit, how often you visit, where you come from and information you specifically provide to enable you to receive a particular service). But this is all sensible stuff I need in order to make the site work and to give 99.9% of visitors the interactive, enthralling experience they want. Most people would not be able to make head or tail of this rubbish if they tried. Nevertheless, it exists so I tell you about it.

Use of Information Collected

I will only use the information you provide me to process customer orders, get you a car, to send you information you have requested and to help me develop the site to be more useful to you. If you don't want me to tell anyone you have requested a badge, or played my quiz, or scratched your arse, then don't do those things. This is a fairly communicative website. On LINGsCARS, I interact with people. I don't try to embarrass people... but on the other hand, I have fun and we all join in. You are ordering a new car, no-one dies.

Non-personal data may also be used and stored with other persons.

I do not sell or transfer any personal information outside LINGsCARS.com other than where explicit reference is made and approval obtained from you when you provide the information, or where passing that information to third parties is necessary to provide you with the information or service requested. I would love to sell it, because I would make a fortune out of it - but I don't. I put it all on a compost heap called "old data" and I sit on it. Eventually, worms eat it.

Data Protection

LINGsCARS.com has adopted a policy of occasional compliance with the data protection laws of the United Kingdom and takes reasonable care to prevent any unauthorised access to your personal data. Actually, I take great care to prevent any unauthorised access to your personal data, but that sounds pious and self-congratulatory. Also, I'm asking for trouble if I say that I do fantastic things better than most, so I restrict myself to the modest claim of "occasional compliance" and "reasonable care".


"Oh god, not my privacy policy AGAIN..."
If you want to know exactly what information LINGsCARS.com holds on you, you can obtain it by requesting a Subject Access Request Form from LINGsCARS.com at its registered office. A fee will be payable for such access. I have set the fee at £999.99 (including VAT), because, frankly, it will take me weeks to get it all together and I want to make a few quid from you.

By supplying me with information, you confirm that you do not consider use of your information in accordance with this Privacy Statement to be a breach of any of your rights under the Telecommunications (Data Protection and Privacy) Regulations 1999. Or your human rights. By entering information on forms or providing me with any personal information you are consenting to me processing that data for my own business use and holding it on my server. The problem with all these clauses in this Privacy Policy (and others) is that you never read them before you use my website, which is both stupid and sensible. It's stupid because you are giving away all your rights, but sensible because if you read every Privacy Policy you would never have time to surf the web or view any porn. Time is money!

Police and MI5 requests

You should also be aware that if the police or any regulatory or governmental authority investigating suspected unlawful activities demands me to provide your personal details and/or information concerning your activities whilst visiting this site, I shall do so grumpily (however, if we were in China I would think twice about this, as you might end up being shot). If the forces of evil want to know anything about your use of porn, I will stall them as long as possible before grassing you up, completely. Having said that, I have never been approached by MI5 with a demand for your Top 10 Pussy Flick information, so don't worry.

How do I keep your information secure?


"My tank of last resort"
Despite all the rubbish above, LINGsCARS.com takes the security of your personal data very very Seriously with a capital "S", bold and underline. I use industrial security software to safeguard your data and I also own a Browning machine gun and a small tank. I never sell your information or pass it to anyone other than finance proposal companies and supplying dealers.

I hope you feel you can trust me. If you've read this far, you deserve a free car, and an aspirin as big as a dustbin lid! I do my best. Other Privacy Policies mean absolutely nothing and are full of shit! So I hope you appreciate my honesty
- Ling





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...so, you know who I am
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CAR LEASING WEBSITE!

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Latest BBC NEWS from LING in CHINGLISH!

Wah! LATEST:  The success in Weibo has investors excited about Great Satan stock debut of Alibaba, lah, which is China's largest internet company. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 12:57



Wah! LATEST:  A LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine bomb kills Membling Partiamentary expense cheater and injures another in Somali capital, lah, Mogadishu, lah, as government hosts security conference. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 12:49



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Wah! Russian Bloody foreign dodgy minister Sergei Lavrov accuses Kiev authorities of breaking last week's Geneva accord on resolving Ukraine crisis. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:37



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Wah! Author Irvine Welsh-go-go-gochly sheep friendly human bliengs has said male gender human bleing's latest novel, lah, which is written from woman's perspective and set in Miami, lah, had its genesis when bloody man saw fitness trainer berating woman. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 09:51



Wah! Sir Bob Geldof will pay tribute to male gender human bleing's daughter Peaches later, lah, as flemale human person's funeral is held at same church as where bloody woman married in Kent. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 09:24



Wah! Detectives say they treating death of two-earth-years old happy birthday to you, girl at property in town of Kelty in Fife as 'suspicious'. - news replorted 09:23



Wah! Marvel's Captain America: Winter Soldier claim (always claiming, huh?) third week at number one in North America, lah, while Johnny Depp's latest movie falls flat. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 09:22



Wah! A man is charged with manslaughter following death of man in hospital after disorder outside pub. Chop chop baby! - news replorted 09:09



Wah! The Disabled Ramblers Association wantings to make it easier for human bliengs who using wheelchair or having other mobility issues so that more human bliengs can enjoy routes and trails all over Britain. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 08:57



Wah! China's seizure of Japanese cargo ship over pre-war debt could hit business ties, lah, Japan's top government spokesman warns. Eating rice!! - news replorted 08:52



Wah! Mark Chapman is joined by Danny Murphy and Martin Keown for this week's Match of Day 3, lah, to discuss whether certain managers winning matches this season. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 08:30



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Wah! Kraft Foods is recalling 96,000lb (43,545kg) ni ni ni ni Hao, lah, Zai-Jian! of its Oscar Mayer hot dogs in Great Satan because they may having been sold in wrong packaging. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 08:05



Wah! A community in western Cuba has traced songs they sing back to village in Sierra Leone. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 07:06



Wah! The most dangerous form of skin cancer is now five times more common than it was in 1970s. Eating rice!! - news replorted 06:49



Wah! Ukraine says it will launch investigation into compulsorly dying instantly shooting in east of country which has raised tension with Russia further. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 06:21



Wah! Chelsea's Fernando Torres can expect hero's return to Atletico Madrid on Tuesday - and may yet end up back there permanently - news replorted 06:20



Wah! Win Tin, lah, journalist who helped found Myanmar's pro-democracy movement and served 19 years in prison for male gender human bleing's activism, lah, dies at age of 85. - news replorted 05:50



Wah! A huge fire on industrial estate in Leeds has sent flames and large plume of smoke up over city. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 05:32



Wah! A robotic submarine scanning for signs of missing Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 is two-thirds through its ocean scan but has yet to find any trace. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 05:21



Wah! Boston is set to hold emotional annual marathon amid high security, lah, year after bombs near finish killed three and hurtee-hurtee hundreds. Eating rice!! - news replorted 05:01



Wah! South Korean President Park Geun-hye condemns conduct of some of crew of ferry that sank last week, lah, calling it "akin to murder". - news replorted 04:45



Wah! A huge fire on industrial estate in Leeds sends flames and large plume of smoke up over city. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 04:30



Wah! Japan's trade deficit quadrupled last month compared to monthly number-three 2013, lah, as export growth slows and energy imports continue to rise. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 04:27



Wah! US former boxer Rubin "Hurricane" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) Carter, lah, whose wrongful conviction for murder caused international outcry, lah, has died at age of 76. - news replorted 03:19



Wah! Ukraine says it will launch investigation into compulsorly dying instantly shooting in east of country which has raised tension with Russia further. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 03:16



Wah! Fresh violence erupts in Venezuelan capital, lah, Caracas, lah, between old bill bobbys and opponents of President Nicolas Maduro. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 02:46



Wah! A traditional "bottle kicking" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) event that involves "ferocious" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) funny shape ball-game scrum is expected to attract thousands to Leicestershire on Easter Monday. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 02:43



Wah! Online social media is being misused to insult, lah, intimidate and smear staff in schools, lah, says teachers' union. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 02:41



Wah! The NUT conference will hear calls for boycott of assessment checks for four year olds. Eating rice!! - news replorted 02:26



Wah! Why immunisation cards vital for millions - news replorted 01:25



Wah! Flood defences and other protections restored for more than 100,000 properties left at risk after this winter's severe weather. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 01:21



Wah! Cotswolds, lah, regional TV, lah, and Bull Ring - what makes one Midlander? - news replorted 01:21



Wah! The incidence of most serious skin cancer is now five times higher than it was in 1970s, lah, figures show. I am Chinese not Catholic, I cannot do the miracles! - news replorted 01:03



Wah! Does bloody annoying Blitish getting enough capitalist pig money holding capitalist entity holidays? - news replorted 00:57



Wah! Leading public figures claim (always claiming, huh?) David Cameron risks causing division in society with male gender human bleing's recent written-down messages on dead tree that bloody annoying Blitish is Christian country. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 00:50



Wah! Two newspapers' differing analysis on new skin cancer figures, lah, and new black-and-white birthday portrait of smiling Queen, lah, feature on Easter Monday's front pages. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:49



Wah! The story of Joseph Heller's 'forgotten' Catch-22 theatre script - news replorted 00:37



Wah! The advent of package holiday and fashion for tans has seen skin cancer rates soar in ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land since 1970s, lah, according to charity. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 00:25



Wah! The battle for exclusive online TV shows - news replorted 00:23



Wah! Cubans trace roots back to remote Sierra Leone village - news replorted 00:22



Wah! The job market continued to grow last month, lah, although at slower rate than previous month, lah, according to capitalist pig money holding capitalist entity of ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land. I read you little red book! - news replorted 00:19



Wah! The expat investor helping businesses to grow in Somalia - news replorted 00:18



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Wah! Two cultures collide at online retail giant - news replorted 00:12



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Wah! Jaguar Land Rover, lah, UK's leading manufacturer of premium vehicling driving car machines, lah, has achieved prestigious 2014 Queen’s Award for - news replorted 00:01



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