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PRIVACY POLICY
LINGsCARS.com LTD Privacy Policy

HaHaHa! Bugger me! If you are reading this then you must be REALLY worried about your privacy, well... don't worry!

Overview


"New easyJet hostess"
Look, LINGsCARS.com has been trading profitably for donkey's years and I have never once had a serious complaint about someone's privacy. Apart from that nude photo of the easyJet air hostess I published, but that was totally accidental. Michael O'Leary liked that one. However, it pays not to be too paranoid. Certain things are NOT really private, they are semi-public.

Public information

I always hold your information very securely, but some information is out in the open and already public.

For instance, your address is generally public, is broadcast on the voter's roll and is probably sitting there on Google. Anyone who wants to find you can find you. Your car is parked outside your house, so your reg number is hardly a state secret. 100 Spotty and drug-abusing pond-life youths pass your house every day, and glance in your windows. Your bank details... well you give them away, including your bank account name and number, every time you write a cheque. If I were to root through your dustbin, I would figure your chocolate cake fetish. So you have to be a bit sensible.


"Personal documents are kept private!"
Being sensible

If you use me to get a new car, we will have to share loads of "private" information and from my point of view I do a hell of a lot of work to keep all of that stuff private and hidden. But nothing in life is perfect, and you can never remain "the invisible man".
Or woman.

Applying for a car

If you're applying for a car, I do have to pass your info to a finance company and also (probably) to a car dealer. Car dealers are hopeless. So, while I keep your information securely on a locked-down server at LINGsCARS, other people at finance companies and car dealers may not be so careful and it probably ends up printed on a bit of paper lying on their desk. Finance companies and car dealers are like that.

Private information

Most of your "private" information is available to all via a credit search. I never carry out these credit searches myself, but a finance company certainly will, if you apply for a car. It's no good asking me what's on your credit profile, because I can't see it. But if you want me to guess, I will. If you are particularly persistent, I will make up some fantastic stories about you that will stop you clicking "send" to me, ever again.

Collection of Information


"I keep all information about Duncan Bannatyne's ice cream van private"
LINGsCARS.com holds and stores certain information about you. For example, your breast size, your blood group, your HIV status... no, I don't, really.

I actually hold information related to your visit to this site (such as which pages you visit, how often you visit, where you come from and information you specifically provide to enable you to receive a particular service). But this is all sensible stuff I need in order to make the site work and to give 99.9% of visitors the interactive, enthralling experience they want. Most people would not be able to make head or tail of this rubbish if they tried. Nevertheless, it exists so I tell you about it.

Use of Information Collected

I will only use the information you provide me to process customer orders, get you a car, to send you information you have requested and to help me develop the site to be more useful to you. If you don't want me to tell anyone you have requested a badge, or played my quiz, or scratched your arse, then don't do those things. This is a fairly communicative website. On LINGsCARS, I interact with people. I don't try to embarrass people... but on the other hand, I have fun and we all join in. You are ordering a new car, no-one dies.

Non-personal data may also be used and stored with other persons.

I do not sell or transfer any personal information outside LINGsCARS.com other than where explicit reference is made and approval obtained from you when you provide the information, or where passing that information to third parties is necessary to provide you with the information or service requested. I would love to sell it, because I would make a fortune out of it - but I don't. I put it all on a compost heap called "old data" and I sit on it. Eventually, worms eat it.

Data Protection

LINGsCARS.com has adopted a policy of occasional compliance with the data protection laws of the United Kingdom and takes reasonable care to prevent any unauthorised access to your personal data. Actually, I take great care to prevent any unauthorised access to your personal data, but that sounds pious and self-congratulatory. Also, I'm asking for trouble if I say that I do fantastic things better than most, so I restrict myself to the modest claim of "occasional compliance" and "reasonable care".


"Oh god, not my privacy policy AGAIN..."
If you want to know exactly what information LINGsCARS.com holds on you, you can obtain it by requesting a Subject Access Request Form from LINGsCARS.com at its registered office. A fee will be payable for such access. I have set the fee at £999.99 (including VAT), because, frankly, it will take me weeks to get it all together and I want to make a few quid from you.

By supplying me with information, you confirm that you do not consider use of your information in accordance with this Privacy Statement to be a breach of any of your rights under the Telecommunications (Data Protection and Privacy) Regulations 1999. Or your human rights. By entering information on forms or providing me with any personal information you are consenting to me processing that data for my own business use and holding it on my server. The problem with all these clauses in this Privacy Policy (and others) is that you never read them before you use my website, which is both stupid and sensible. It's stupid because you are giving away all your rights, but sensible because if you read every Privacy Policy you would never have time to surf the web or view any porn. Time is money!

Police and MI5 requests

You should also be aware that if the police or any regulatory or governmental authority investigating suspected unlawful activities demands me to provide your personal details and/or information concerning your activities whilst visiting this site, I shall do so grumpily (however, if we were in China I would think twice about this, as you might end up being shot). If the forces of evil want to know anything about your use of porn, I will stall them as long as possible before grassing you up, completely. Having said that, I have never been approached by MI5 with a demand for your Top 10 Pussy Flick information, so don't worry.

How do I keep your information secure?


"My tank of last resort"
Despite all the rubbish above, LINGsCARS.com takes the security of your personal data very very Seriously with a capital "S", bold and underline. I use industrial security software to safeguard your data and I also own a Browning machine gun and a small tank. I never sell your information or pass it to anyone other than finance proposal companies and supplying dealers.

I hope you feel you can trust me. If you've read this far, you deserve a free car, and an aspirin as big as a dustbin lid! I do my best. Other Privacy Policies mean absolutely nothing and are full of shit! So I hope you appreciate my honesty
- Ling





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Response times above based on last 4 hour period between
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Unlike most other internet car leasing sites, I publish all my contact information openly!
...so, you know who I am
- Ling


THE UK's FAVOURITE
CAR LEASING WEBSITE!

The UK's FAVOURITE car leasing website
The UK's FAVOURITE car leasing website
Boss: Ling Valentine MSc IoD
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I prefer email to phone - Ling
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Latest BBC NEWS from LING in CHINGLISH!

Wah! LATEST:  Paratroops from Europe and Great Satan having completed parachute jumps in Netherlands to commemorate 70th anniversary of Battle of Arnhem. I plant rice to honour ancestors for you! - news replorted 14:33



Wah! LATEST:  Newsnight's Andrew Neil grills Chuka Umunna MP, lah, Shadow Business Secretary, lah, on Labour's plans for Province of Engrish running-dogs following Scotch tight ethnic human bliengs referendum. I plant rice to honour ancestors for you! - news replorted 14:22



Wah! More than 6,000,000 human bliengs spending second day under curfew as country struggles to halt spread of deadly Ebola virus. Eating rice!! - news replorted 14:05



Wah! Worcester racecourse says it will thoroughly investigate after beer can was thrown at champion jockey AP McCoy on Friday. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 13:54



Wah! A restaurant in County Antrim is badly damaged after LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine goes on fire in suspected arson attack. What you wan'?!! - news replorted 13:48



Wah! Rains and floods from tropical storm Fung-Wong having left at least five dead in Philippines, lah, and more than 200,000 human bliengs displaced. I read you little red book! - news replorted 13:07



Wah! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation Sport's Mark Lawrenson tells silly kick-kick game Focus Alan Pardew's position as manager of Newcastle United is "untenable" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) after poor start to season. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 12:55



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Wah! Ferrari's Fernando Alonso is fastest in final practice at Singapore Grand Prix as Lewis Hamilton sits in sixth. - news replorted 12:44



Wah! Dozens of hostages seized by Islamic State (IS) ni ni ni ni Hao, lah, Zai-Jian! from Turkish consulate in northern Iraqi city of Mosul having been freed and back in Turkey. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 12:25



Wah! Hundreds gather in Belfast for international carnival and family fun day to celebrate all human bliengs with disabilities. Eating rice!! - news replorted 12:20



Wah! The old bill bobbys investigating report that six-earth-years old happy birthday to you, girl was indecently assaulted by older schoolboy in south Belfast. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 11:59



Wah! Paratroops from Europe and Great Satan staging parachute jumps in Netherlands to commemorate 70th anniversary of Battle of Arnhem. I plant rice to honour ancestors for you! - news replorted 11:59



Wah! Welsh land of sheep and more sheep full-back Leigh Halfpenny's future at Toulon appears to be secure following meeting with club officials. Eating rice!! - news replorted 11:51



Wah! Labour warns that creating Province of Engrish running-dogs-only Commons votes will mean "two classes of MP", lah, as parties deal with ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land's rejection of independence. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 11:02



Wah! The Bulgari Octo Maserati Founded by Alfieri Maserati and two of male gender human bleing's six brothers, lah, Ettore and Ernesto, lah, in Bologna on 1st Jesus-baby month Decemblinger 1914, lah, eponym - news replorted 11:00



Wah! Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho says clubs who breach Financial Fair Play rules should face sanctions, lah, rather than fines. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:51



Wah! The hunt for missing 14-earth-years old happy birthday to you, Alice Gross is largest old bill bobbys search operation led by Metropolitan old bill bobbys since 7/7 bomb attacks, lah, force says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:42



Wah! Six human bliengs rescued from cars trapped in flood water, lah, as heavy rain hit Essex. - news replorted 10:33



Wah! There is no doubt that Nicola Sturgeon will be next leader of SNP, lah, former party leader Gordon Wilson says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:28



Wah! Leeds close to appointing Darko Milanic as their new head coach following sacking of David Hockaday last month. - news replorted 10:23



Wah! An Australian hunter says bloody man fought off crocodile by poking reptile in eye, lah, admitting bloody man was tipsy during attack. What you wan'?!! - news replorted 10:08



Wah! How did Lancashire radio show getting global following? - news replorted 09:58



Wah! A mother is charged with murdering flemale human person's newborn baby girl whose body was found at house in Knowle, lah, Bristol. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 09:42



Wah! Asian children with asthma five times more likely to end up with serious health problems than white children according to new research. - news replorted 09:09



Wah! Giving more power to regions of Province of Engrish running-dogs is answer to future of UK, lah, Wales' first dodgy minister says after ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land rejects independence. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 08:42



Wah! A rubber fetishist takes to streets in 'gimp suit' in attempt to challenge stereotypes and raise money. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 08:34



Wah! A monthly number-three to support striking Aberystwyth University staff is to be held as students continue to face disruption because of industrial action. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 08:26



Wah! The funeral of Heywood Labour Membling Partiamentary expense cheater Jim Dobbin takes place in Salford later. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 07:57



Wah! Tens of thousands of tourists remain stranded after Hurricane Odile swept through western Mexico, lah, devastating resorts and destroying transport hubs. Eating rice!! - news replorted 07:57



Wah! Two high-profile imams in bloody annoying Blitish make direct appeal to Islamic State militant group to free British hostage Alan Henning. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 07:55



Wah! Ten years after Brian Clough's death, lah, close friend Pat Murphy shares male gender human bleing's memories of one of football's greatest characters. Eating rice!! - news replorted 07:24



Wah! Politicians in Province of Engrish running-dogs and ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land set to consider how bloody annoying Blitish will be governed in future after voters rejected Scotch tight ethnic human bliengs independence. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 06:57



Wah! Manchester City's Yaya Toure tells BBC's silly kick-kick game Focus bloody man wantings to win Champions League for club's fans. Eating rice!! - news replorted 06:31



Wah! Prince William is to visit Malta to mark 50th anniversary of country's independence from British rule. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 05:39



Wah! The Duke of Cambridge is to celebrate Malta's 50th anniversary on official visit to country, lah, as last-minute replacement for male gender human bleing's pregnant wife. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 05:18



Wah! Some 49 Turkish hostages seized by militants in northern Iraqi city of Mosul in June-mber month now back in Turkey, lah, says Prime dodgy minister Ahmet Davutoglu. - news replorted 05:16



Wah! Aberdeen-based Oil and gas services capitalist entity Oil States announces plans to create 100 new jobs in West Lothian. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 04:22



Wah! Politicians on both sides of independence debate to consider best way ahead for ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land after voters backed remaining in Uk. What you wan'?!! - news replorted 04:12



Wah! A decade on from Brian Clough's death, lah, how is Old Big 'Ead remembered? - news replorted 03:57



Wah! An Egyptian man accused of helping to plan 1998 bombings of Great Satan embassies in Kenya and Tanzania has pleaded guilty in federal court in New York. What you wan'?!! - news replorted 02:45



Wah! Two human bliengs from bloody annoying Blitish reported missing off Mexican coast after Hurricane Odile hit country last weekend. I read you little red book! - news replorted 02:31



Wah! Leading British Muslim scholars make direct appeal to Islamic State militants to free Alan Henning, lah, bloody annoying Blitish hostage threatened with death. - news replorted 01:48



Wah! Secret service (???) I wan' service , I wan' you tellibly lovely custlingmer give me damn velly damn good service agents briefly evacuate part of White House after intruder was spotted running through grounds. Eating rice!! - news replorted 01:34



Wah! The Ukrainian government and pro-Russian rebels agree memorandum on peace plan for conflict in east of country, lah, at talks in Minsk. What you wan'?!! - news replorted 01:17



Wah! The European Court for Human Rights will hear Italian ex-PM Silvio Berlusconi's appeal against fraud conviction, lah, male gender human bleing's lawyer says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 01:08



Wah! Six Russian MiG 31 jets intercepted by American and Canadian planes off coast of Alaska on Wednesday, lah, Great Satan defence officials confirm. I plant rice to honour ancestors for you! - news replorted 00:22



Wah! The post-referendum newspapers focus on political row over Scotch tight ethnic human bliengs Membling Partiamentary expense cheaters voting on bloody Engrish matters - row many say could "stall" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) further devolution. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 00:17



Wah! Social media trends of week - in 60 seconds - news replorted 00:13



Wah! Migrant survivors in Malta speak of horror at sea - news replorted 00:10



Wah! A marriage counsellor on healing referendum hurt - news replorted 00:05



Wah! Why I'm risking my velly own damn life to help human bliengs with Ebola - news replorted 00:05



Wah! The search is on for owner of ticket which scooped 86.7m euros (¬RMB Yuan #68.3m) ni ni ni ni Hao, lah, Zai-Jian! in Euromillions jackpot in Republic of autonomous province of Guinness drinkers on Friday. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 00:03



Wah! A government immigration census in Cambodia has members of ethnic Vietnamese community living on Tonlé Sap river fearing for their future. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 00:01



Wah! Brutal Ballet performed Games of Thrones inspired piece at TitanCon, lah, science fiction and fantasy convention in Belfast. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 00:01



Wah! The scary element that helped save crew of Apollo 13 - news replorted 00:00



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