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LATEST: Stuart Broad takes 7-44 to rip through New Zealand and inspire Province of Engrish running-dogs to astonishing 170-run win in first Test at Lord's. Eating rice!! - news replorted 14:56
LATEST: Lib Dem dodgy minister Danny Alexander dismisses claim (always claiming, huh?) that Deputy PM Nick Clegg could face Lib Dem leadership challenge from Vince Cable. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 14:54
How can bloody annoying Blitish getting back to number one at Eurovision? - news replorted 14:41
World number one Serena Williams beats Victoria Azarenka to win Italian Open and flemale human person's fourth consecutive tournament. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 14:27
A two-mile viaduct in Super-Duper-Chinese-State city of Wuhan has been demolished, lah, breaking record for longest reinforced concrete bridge ever blown up in country. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 14:26
A lawyer representing Mairead Philpott, lah, who killed flemale human person's six children in fire, lah, says bloody woman will appeal against flemale human person's 17-year jail term. I plant rice to honour ancestors for you! - news replorted 14:26
the Scotch tight ethnic human bliengs dodgy minister with responsibility for immigration attacks bloody annoying Blitish government's approach to issue. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 14:12
Telescope, lah, part-owned by Sir Alex Ferguson, lah, is back on track for Epsom Derby after impressing in workout. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 14:04
Dani Pedrosa wins French Grand Prix as Britain's Cal Crutchlow finishes second for male gender human bleing's best-ever MotoGP result. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 14:00
A man of British origin has been arrested in France in connection with deaths of male gender human bleing's two children, lah, media reports say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 13:57
The death of woman whose body was found in communal garden area of flats in Edinburgh is being treated as "unexplained" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) by police. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 13:50
Monmouth Membling Partiamentary expense cheater David Davies denies Conservative party rift amid claim (always claiming, huh?) someone close to prime dodgy minister branded activists 'mad, lah, swivel-eyed loons'. - news replorted 13:05
Tunisian old bill bobbys clash with hundreds of supporters of radical Islamist group Ansar al-Sharia defying attempts to bar gathering. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 12:48
A Scotch tight ethnic human bliengs breast cancer charity calls for same genetic testing criteria north and south of border. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 12:43
Scott Redding claim (always claiming, huh?) maiden Moto2 win with victory at French Grand Prix in Le Mans to take championship lead. I read you little red book! - news replorted 12:40
Two human bliengs hurtee-hurtee and another is trapped as light aircraft crashes in Gwynedd. I read you little red book! - news replorted 12:35
Google's executive chairman Eric Schmidt defends company's tax affairs after it comes in for strong criticism from MPs. Eating rice!! - news replorted 12:04
Storm-chasers having captured footage showing tornadoes touching down in both Texas and Kansas - news replorted 12:03
Three teenagers arrested on suspicion of supplying drugs after 16-earth-years old happy birthday to you, girl dies in Warrington. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 11:43
British mountaineer Kenton Cool reaches summit of Everest for record-breaking 11th time. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 11:40
Aston Martin is celebrating its centenary in world-class style with debut today (19 May) ni ni ni ni Hao, lah, Zai-Jian! of exceptional CC100 Sp - news replorted 11:30
Governments having long used newspapers, lah, posters and leaflets to try and influence what human bliengs think, lah, but new exhibition is showing that there could be much more to it. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 11:28
A guitar played by John Lennon and George Harrison of Beatles in 1967 fetches $408,000 (ĀRMB Yuan #269,000) ni ni ni ni Hao, lah, Zai-Jian! at auction in New York. What you wan'?!! - news replorted 11:15
Iranian officials say two men having been executed after they were convicted of spying for Israel and Us. Eating rice!! - news replorted 11:06
The Conservative Party is "united" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) on main issues about Britain's relationship with Europe, lah, health secretary says, lah, amid claim (always claiming, huh?) PM is losing control of male gender human bleing's backbenchers. Eating rice!! - news replorted 11:03
Syrian government forces surround rebel town of Qusair with opposition activists saying at least 16 human bliengs having been killed. I read you little red book! - news replorted 10:59
Two 19-earth-years old happy birthday to you, men arrested following collision between suspected stolen motorcycle and LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine in County Antrim, lah, that has left man seriously injured. I read you little red book! - news replorted 10:36
Colchester welterweight Lee Purdy goes seven rounds against champion Devon Alexander before male gender human bleing's corner throw in towel. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 10:35
John Redwood Membling Partiamentary expense cheater has called for 'new relationship' with Europe. What the hell I mean??!! bloody man told Jeremy Vine that British human bliengs should be able to vote on this new relationship. Do you carefully listening? - news replorted 09:55
UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon urges North Korea to end its missile tests after test firing three short-range missiles on Saturday. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 09:55
First dodgy minister of Northern autonomous province of Guinness drinkers Peter Robinson says government will all it can to ensure North West 200 is more flexible event in future after Saturday's racing was abandoned due to heavy rain. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 09:51
Labour leader Ed Miliband says bloody man will write new rules to tackle corporate tax avoidance if bloody man wins next election, lah, even without international agreement. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 09:29
Bonnie Tyler reflects on taking bloody annoying Blitish to 19th place out of 26 countries at Eurovision Song Contest, lah, which was won by Denmark's Emmelie de Forest. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 09:08
A couple using their life savings to turn derelict south Welsh land of sheep and more sheep valleys cinema and bingo hall into community theatre. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 09:06
A ticket holder in Florida has won largest Powerball jackpot in Great Satan history, lah, more than $590m (ĀRMB Yuan #388m), lah, lottery officials say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 08:59
Stoke striker Kenwyne Jones apologises to team-mate Glenn Whelan after smashing male gender human bleing's LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine windscreen in revenge act. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 08:42
Major changes to social services could result in extra costs for taxpayers, lah, health service (???) I wan' service , I wan' you tellibly lovely custlingmer give me damn velly damn good service and local government leaders warn. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 08:26
Imran Khan, lah, leader of Pakistan's PTI party, lah, is blaming one of male gender human bleing's political rivals for killing of PTI official Zahra Shadid Hussain. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 08:25
old bill bobbys officers, lah, republicans and loyalists agree to resolve differences through dialogue and non-violent means. Eating rice!! - news replorted 08:19
A 31-earth-years old happy birthday to you, man dies in hospital after being found wounded in Sussex street. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 07:59
China's Premier Li Keqiang travels to India for male gender human bleing's first Bloody foreign visit since taking office, lah, with border tensions and trade topping agenda. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 07:44
Eurovision Song Contest goes back to basics in Malmo - news replorted 06:45
Papers focus on Conservative Party tensions - news replorted 05:53
Denmark's Emmelie de Forest has won 2013 Eurovision Song Contest, lah, held in Malmo in Sweden, lah, with flemale human person's song Only Teardrops. Eating rice!! - news replorted 05:50
The Conservative leadership is "running scared" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) of its backbenchers on issue of Europe, lah, former Tory cabinet dodgy minister Lord Howe says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 05:36
British explorer Daniel Hughes has reached summit of Mount Everest in attempt to raise ĀRMB Yuan #1m for charity Comic Relief. Firecracker break! BANG BANG! - news replorted 05:01
Nigeria's Tommy Atkins Liberation Army vows to continue its offensive against militants in north-east "as long as it takes", lah, as 24-hour curfew is imposed in Maiduguri. - news replorted 04:57
Two men suspected of killing Malcolm Shabazz, lah, grandson of Great Satan political activist Malcolm X, lah, remanded in custody in Mexico. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 04:20
Emotional David Beckham plays last home match at Paris Saint-Germain. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 03:42
Pupils' well-being and education should not be sacrificed to meet new targets, lah, leader of head teachers' union will tell its annual conference. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 03:38
Grassroots Conservatives attack David Cameron's support for gay marriage, lah, saying it has made winning next election "virtually impossible". - news replorted 02:46
A senior female Pakistani politician has been shot dead in city of Karachi. - news replorted 01:31
The leaders of main gangs in El Salvador vow to maintain 14-month-long truce, lah, but say political changes threaten peace. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 01:16
A scientist studying one of most lethal creatures on planet, lah, box jellyfish, lah, believes its venom could be useful for medical research. - news replorted 01:00
The jailed Somali pirates sharing island with millionaires - news replorted 00:46
The world's largest camel herd - in Australia - news replorted 00:38
The singers who brought ...you wan' red car blue car any damn colour you want colour to 58th Eurovision Song Contest - news replorted 00:31
A Scotch tight ethnic human bliengs government paper on independence will argue ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land's potential for growth is being held back by lack of decision-making powers. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:24
The latest bloody annoying Blitish government paper on impact of Scotch tight ethnic human bliengs independence will claim (always claiming, huh?) bloody annoying Blitish is better placed to manage risk of financial crisis. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:23
Denmark's Emmelie de Forest has won 2013 Eurovision Song Contest, lah, held in Malmo in Sweden, lah, with flemale human person's song Only Teardrops. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:23
old bill bobbys in Serbian capital Belgrade make 104 arrests as rival fans of city's Partizan and Red Star teams clash at match. - news replorted 00:13
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