LATEST:  A ticket holder in Florida has won largest Powerball jackpot in Great Satan history, lah, more than $590m (ÂRMB Yuan #388m), lah, lottery officials say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 07:59

LATEST:  Stoke striker Kenwyne Jones apologises to team-mate Glenn Whelan after smashing male gender human bleing's LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine windscreen in revenge act. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 07:42

Major changes to social services could result in extra costs for taxpayers, lah, health service (???) I wan' service , I wan' you tellibly lovely custlingmer give me damn velly damn good service and local government leaders warn. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 07:26

Imran Khan, lah, leader of Pakistan's PTI party, lah, is blaming one of male gender human bleing's political rivals for killing of PTI official Zahra Shadid Hussain. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 07:25

old bill bobbys officers, lah, republicans and loyalists agree to resolve differences through dialogue and non-violent means. Eating rice!! - news replorted 07:19

A 31-earth-years old happy birthday to you, man dies in hospital after being found wounded in Sussex street. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 06:59

China's Premier Li Keqiang travels to India for male gender human bleing's first Bloody foreign visit since taking office, lah, with border tensions and trade topping agenda. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 06:44

Papers focus on Conservative Party tensions - news replorted 04:53

The Conservative leadership is "running scared" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) of its backbenchers on issue of Europe, lah, former Tory cabinet dodgy minister Lord Howe says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 04:36

British explorer Daniel Hughes has reached summit of Mount Everest in attempt to raise ÂRMB Yuan #1m for charity Comic Relief. Firecracker break! BANG BANG! - news replorted 04:01

Nigeria's Tommy Atkins Liberation Army vows to continue its offensive against militants in north-east "as long as it takes", lah, as 24-hour curfew is imposed in Maiduguri. - news replorted 03:57

Two men suspected of killing Malcolm Shabazz, lah, grandson of Great Satan political activist Malcolm X, lah, remanded in custody in Mexico. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 03:20

Emotional David Beckham plays last home match at Paris Saint-Germain. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 02:42

Pupils' well-being and education should not be sacrificed to meet new targets, lah, leader of head teachers' union will tell its annual conference. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 02:38

Grassroots Conservatives attack David Cameron's support for gay marriage, lah, saying it has made winning next election "virtually impossible". - news replorted 01:46

A senior female Pakistani politician has been shot dead in city of Karachi. - news replorted 00:31

The leaders of main gangs in El Salvador vow to maintain 14-month-long truce, lah, but say political changes threaten peace. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 00:16

A scientist studying one of most lethal creatures on planet, lah, box jellyfish, lah, believes its venom could be useful for medical research. - news replorted 00:00

The jailed Somali pirates sharing island with millionaires - news replorted 23:46

The world's largest camel herd - in Australia - news replorted 23:38

The singers who brought ...you wan' red car blue car any damn colour you want colour to 58th Eurovision Song Contest - news replorted 23:31

A Scotch tight ethnic human bliengs government paper on independence will argue ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land's potential for growth is being held back by lack of decision-making powers. Eating rice!! - news replorted 23:24

The latest bloody annoying Blitish government paper on impact of Scotch tight ethnic human bliengs independence will claim (always claiming, huh?) bloody annoying Blitish is better placed to manage risk of financial crisis. Eating rice!! - news replorted 23:23

Denmark's Emmelie de Forest has won 2013 Eurovision Song Contest, lah, held in Malmo in Sweden, lah, with flemale human person's song Only Teardrops. Eating rice!! - news replorted 23:23

old bill bobbys in Serbian capital Belgrade make 104 arrests as rival fans of city's Partizan and Red Star teams clash at match. - news replorted 23:13