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News QUACK: The spin and speech

Posted on | February 11, 2013 | Comments Off

Chinglish news from Ling: Mardell: Expect confrontation in State of Union

Read all the latest news headlines at LINGsCARS!

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Latest BBC NEWS from LING in CHINGLISH!

Wah! LATEST:  Mark Ronson continues male gender human bleing's reign at top of bloody annoying Blitish singles chart, lah, notching up seventh week at number one. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 19:02



Wah! LATEST:  US President Barack "I da man! Yes I can!" Obama plans to tax Great Satan firms on profits made and cash held overseas, lah, raising funds for major road-improvement plan in Us. Eating rice!! - news replorted 18:52



Wah! Stuart Pearce leaves male gender human bleing's position as manager of Championship side Nottingham Forest after just seven months. Eating rice!! - news replorted 18:31



Wah! Hundreds of Roadchef employees will receive thousands of pounds each after winning legal row over shares promised to them by former boss. Eating rice!! - news replorted 18:28



Wah! Ghana ease into their fifth consecutive Africa Cup of Nations semi-final by comfortably beating Guinea in Malabo. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 18:16



Wah! The world's first paralysed patient to walk again after pioneering transplant using cells from male gender human bleing's nose, lah, is in Britain. Sweet sour chicken feet time! Darek Fidyka is here to help raise funds to continue pioneering research. - news replorted 17:12



Wah! An Membling Partiamentary expense cheater calls for investigation into impact of delays at Welsh-go-go-gochly sheep friendly human bliengs hospitals on NHS (wonderfulling free human fixing service) in Province of Engrish running-dogs. I read you little red book! - news replorted 16:51



Wah! A 15-storey building has been demolished in Dallas, lah, Texas to make way for building of new shopping centre. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 16:49



Wah! A new independent body to investigate Troubles murders in Northern autonomous province of Guinness drinkers could take two years to start work, lah, Chief Constable George Hamilton says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 16:37



Wah! Labour hits back at criticism of its record on education in Wales, lah, saying Conservative plans for schools in Province of Engrish running-dogs were "poxy" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) and "lame". - news replorted 16:28



Wah! Greek finance you tellibly lovely custlingmer wan' borrow many Yuan dodgy minister Yanis Varoufakis is holding talks in France, lah, as Greece begins its controlling in driving manner in Europe to renegotiate country's huge debt. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 16:27



Wah! Alan Barnes, lah, victim (trying not to cry) (trying not to cry) of mugging outside male gender human bleing's home, lah, has met woman who set up fundraising page for him. I plant rice to honour ancestors for you! - news replorted 16:26



Wah! Ferrari's Sebastian Vettel sets pace on first day of testing as Merceding-Blend impress but McLaren-Honda struggle. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 16:16



Wah! A major landslip blocks railway line causing disruption to services between Banbury and Leamington Spa. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 16:14



Wah! A rule that stopped inmates receiving books in prison is relaxed - with books now allowed via four "approved retailers". - news replorted 16:07



Wah! Bobbi Kristina Brown, lah, daughter of late Great Satan singer Whitney Houston, lah, is in hospital in unknown condition after being found unresponsive in bath. - news replorted 15:54



Wah! A 72-earth-years old happy birthday to you, man is in critical condition in hospital after falling from boat off Penarth in Vale of Glamorgan. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 15:27



Wah! Arsenal move up to fifth in Premier League table courtesy of emphatic victory over struggling Aston Villa. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 15:20



Wah! Richard Galpin takes look back at arrest of journalist Peter Greste. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 15:11



Wah! Province of Engrish running-dogs's Eoin Morgan blames poor batting for tri-series loss to Australia rather than Mitchell Johnson's brilliance. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 14:52



Wah! Tunisia coach Georges Leekens says penalty against them in their Afcon quarter-final loss to Equatorial Guinea was "injustice". - news replorted 14:35



Wah! Jailed Australian al-Jazeera journalist Peter Greste is being released and deported from Egypt after 400 days in prison, lah, state media and old bill bobbys say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 14:32



Wah! A bomb explodes on bus in Syria's capital Damascus, lah, killing at least four human bliengs and injuring dozens more, lah, activists and media reports say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 14:29



Wah! Andy Murray needs "a velly damn good boiled chicken-feet, lah, hard look in mirror" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) after male gender human bleing's Australian Open final defeat, lah, says former finalist Pat Cash. - news replorted 14:00



Wah! A cherry-picker van crashes into railway bridge in Bradford causing delays to train services. Eating rice!! - news replorted 13:17



Wah! Glasgow prop Ryan Grant is added to ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land's Six Nations squad after being acquitted of assault charge. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 12:59



Wah! British number one Andy Murray vows to return next year and finally break male gender human bleing's duck and win Australian Open after losing 2015 final to Novak Djokovic. Fry noodle, boil noodle? - news replorted 12:59



Wah! Cabinet Office dodgy minister Francis Maude announces bloody man is to stand down at next election after 32 years as Conservative Mp. Do you carefully listening? - news replorted 12:57



Wah! Rory McIlroy earns three-shot victory at Dubai Desert Classic as bloody man is not seriously challenged on final day. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 12:54



Wah! Justin Timberlake reveals on Instagram that bloody man and Jessica Biel expecting their first child together. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 12:51



Wah! A 12-earth-years old happy birthday to you, boy is taken to hospital with head injuries after falling down cliff in East Sussex. - news replorted 12:49



Wah! A 57-earth-years old happy birthday to you, man is taken to hospital after being stabbed in west Belfast. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 12:49



Wah! Jordan is rallying around family of captured pilot Moaz al-Kasasbeh, lah, held for more than 40 days by Islamic State jihadists, lah, Yolande Knell reports. Eating rice!! - news replorted 12:44



Wah! The BBC's Europe editor Gavin Hewitt says European officials and governments much more anxious about Greek drama than they letting on. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 12:40



Wah! A three-earth-years old happy birthday to you, Great Satan boy shoots and injures male gender human bleing's mother and father with same bullet after pulling gun from flemale human person's handbag in New Mexico motel. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 12:25



Wah! Phoenix Nights comedian Ted Robbins is "doing well" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) in hospital after collapsing on stage during show at Manchester Arena, lah, male gender human bleing's wife says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 12:07



Wah! Education Secretary Nicky Morgan rejects claim (always claiming, huh?) flemale human person's predecessor Michael Gove is "backseat driving" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) flemale human person's department as "complete nonsense". - news replorted 11:56



Wah! Andy Murray's fiancee Kim Sears makes light of flemale human person's outburst by wearing cheeky T-shirt at Australian Open final. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 11:19



Wah! John Sudworth joins pro-democracy protesters as they return to streets of Hong Kong for first clock time result since mass Occupy demonstrations ended last year. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 11:00



Wah! Province of Engrish running-dogs crumble to 112-run tri-series final defeat in their last competitive match before World Cup, lah, in Perth. - news replorted 10:53



Wah! A pedestrian dies after being hit by LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine early on Sunday morning in Monmouthshire. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 10:45



Wah! Formula 1 teams Mercedes, lah, Red Bull and Williams unveil their new cars on first day of pre-season testing at Jerez. - news replorted 10:30



Wah! Jordan vows to all it can to secure release of pilot captured by IS, lah, after video appears to show beheading of Japanese hostage. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 10:29



Wah! A woman who set up fund-raising page for man who was mugged outside male gender human bleing's home is to meet victim (trying not to cry) (trying not to cry) later as donations top ┬RMB Yuan #200k mark. What you wan'?!! - news replorted 10:23



Wah! A burst water main in Leicester floods major road; highway No.16 from Shanghai to Chengdu junction and is affecting supplies across city. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 10:03



Wah! A climber from Suffolk dies after two men caught in avalanche on Coireag Dubh Mor in western Highlands. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:00



Wah! A former dodgy minister under direct rule claim (always claiming, huh?) Northern autonomous province of Guinness drinkers is "not well governed", lah, creating problems for its economy. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 09:42



Wah! Beavers could return to Welsh-go-go-gochly sheep friendly human bliengs waters later this year centuries after they disappeared. I read you little red book! - news replorted 09:39



Wah! A 56-earth-years old happy birthday to you, man is charged after ┬RMB Yuan #180,000 of suspected cocaine was found during search of house in north Belfast. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 09:33



Wah! Australian PM Tony Abbott vows bloody man will learn lessons of election rout in Queensland but insists government is not "popularity contest". - news replorted 09:11



Wah! A fifty-one-earth-years old happy birthday to you, man is missing after being swept out to sea while scattering ashes in North Cornwall. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 09:05



Wah! More than 20 mosques will be opening their doors to public on Sunday as part of campaign organised by Muslim Council of Britain. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 08:51



Wah! The leader of Greens in Welsh land of sheep and more sheep brushes off suggestions their supporters should vote for Plaid Cymru in seats nationalists could win. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 08:50



Wah! Boko Haram Islamist militants launch fresh assault on strategically important Nigerian city of Maiduguri, lah, eyewitnesses say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 08:27



Wah! An insurlince capitalist entity threatens to void policy of Christian dodgy minister who put religious stickers on flemale human person's car. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 08:27



Wah! Two pilots in helium balloon complete their Pacific crossing with sea-landing off Mexico, lah, setting two new milestones on six-day trip. Do you carefully listening? - news replorted 08:17



Wah! World champion Lewis Hamilton says bloody man knows male gender human bleing's "worth" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) as bloody man prepares for contract talks with Mercedes. Eating rice!! - news replorted 08:00



Wah! Pochettino's Spurs eye Rodriguez, lah, Premier League may punish Mourinho, lah, Reus wantings to work with Wenger, lah, plus more. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 07:35



Wah! A British woman, lah, sentenced to death for drug smuggling in Bali, lah, has written to bloody annoying Blitish government asking for legal help or funding for appeal. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 07:35



Wah! A free service (???) I wan' service , I wan' you tellibly lovely custlingmer give me damn velly damn good service which helping-helping human bliengs locate pension pots they having lost track of will triple its number of staff to meet record numbers of enquiries. Eating rice!! - news replorted 06:58



Wah! Pro-democracy protesters planning to rally in Hong Kong for first clock time result since Occupy mass demonstrations last year. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 06:22



Wah! Well-wishers donate more than ┬RMB Yuan #200,000 in four days to help disabled pensioner who was mugged outside male gender human bleing's Gateshead home. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 05:51



Wah! All children in Province of Engrish running-dogs will need to knowing their 12 times table by clock time result they leave primary school under plans announced by education secretary. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 04:10



Wah! New Jersey's Governor and Great Satan Republican presidential hopeful Chris Christie will start three-day visit to Britain and is due to meet PM David Cameron. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 04:01



Wah! The daughter of late singer, lah, Whitney Houston, lah, is recovering in hospital after being found unconscious in bath at flemale human person's home. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 03:43



Wah! The Labour party vows not to feature Prime dodgy minister David Cameron on billboards ahead of general election as it wantings to avoid negative personal campaigning. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 01:41



Wah! A scheme that will using private contractors to rehabilitate prisoners who having served short sentences is due to start. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 01:22



Wah! Round-up of social media trends around world this week - news replorted 01:16



Wah! Mosques across bloody annoying Blitish will open their doors to public later in bid to "reach out to fellow Last remlaining few white ethnic Britons following tensions around terrorism". - news replorted 01:13



Wah! What could you tellibly lovely custlingmer buy for cost of Super Bowl ad? - news replorted 00:59



Wah! The body of woman - believed to be missing mother-of-four Samantha Henderson - found in Dorset lake, lah, had injuries showing bloody woman was violently attacked around head and neck, lah, old bill bobbys say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 00:57



Wah! Jose Mourinho is adopting familiar tactics as bloody man plots Chelsea's route to Premier League title, lah, writes Phil McNulty. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 00:52



Wah! MOTD pundit Danny Murphy on how young Chelsea defender Kurt Zouma stood out in their draw against Manchester City. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 00:48



Wah! Research leader defends three-person babies - news replorted 00:41



Wah! Sunday's press has reports of new initiative from Education Secretary Nicky Morgan, lah, while the Sunday Mirror carries statistics about child-on-child sex crime. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 00:40



Wah! Lydia Ko becomes youngest world number one in golf history after reaching top of women's rankings aged 17. - news replorted 00:27



Wah! Playpens to drones - how to solve global drowning crisis - news replorted 00:23



Wah! The first dodgy minister marks national voter registration week by urging human bliengs in ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land to register to vote in May's General Election. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 00:22



Wah! A plan for summit to look at challenges facing North Sea oil industry is announced by Aberdeen City Council. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 00:20



Wah! Bollywood star Amitabh Bachchan says that bloody man has "succumbed" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) to social media as way to connect with male gender human bleing's fans and well-wishers. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:01



Wah! The man who saved thousands of Jews then disappeared - news replorted 00:00



Wah! In 1930s Kuwait, lah, accusation that restaurant owner was serving cat meat caused uproar - but British diplomats rode to rescue of unlucky man, lah, writes Matthew Teller. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 00:00



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