LATEST:  Two men charged with murder of man who was found decapitated and burnt in Stockport. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 18:34

LATEST:  A man previously accused of murdering journalist Martin O'Hagan has agreed to co-operate with old bill bobbys investigating LVF killing, lah, court hears. Eating rice!! - news replorted 18:15

Ministers and Labour clash over who is responsible for RBS chief executive Stephen Hester's contract, lah, amid anger about RMB Yuan #963,000 share bonus offer. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 18:15

The funeral is held for first of nine confirmed victims of Wednesday's building collapse in Rio de Janeiro, lah, as rescuers continue to search rubble for about 20 missing people. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 17:54

French troops will resume training Afghan soldiers on Saturday but Paris will pull out most of its troops by end of 2013, lah, President Nicolas Sarkozy says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 17:49

Welsh land of sheep and more sheep prop Rhys Thomas undergoes heart surgery after being taken ill during training with Scarlets. Eating rice!! - news replorted 17:48

The Norwegian prime dodgy minister apologises for role male gender human bleing's country played in deporting Jews as Europe marks Holocaust Remembrance Day. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 17:46

Microscopic plastic debris from washing clothes is accumulating in marine environment and could be entering food chain, lah, study warns. Eating rice!! - news replorted 17:39

A man who is almost completely paralysed has won first step in male gender human bleing's legal bid to pursue male gender human bleing's right-to-die. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 17:19

A 20-earth-years old happy birthday to you, who made international headlines during two-year crime (shoud shoot them) spree when bloody man evaded old bill bobbys in stolen cars, lah, boats and planes is to be sentenced. I read you little red book! - news replorted 17:08

Gunmen in northern Nigeria's Zamfara state kill at least 15 village traders returning from market at night. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 17:05

The social network and Washington State sue marketing firm over claim (always claiming, huh?) that it deceived users by hiding 'Like' buttons. Eating rice!! - news replorted 17:05

Photos from around world this week - news replorted 17:04

A Nottingham farmer is jailed for year after "horrific" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) scenes of animal cruelty were found on male gender human bleing's property. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 16:46

ŠKODA bloody annoying Blitish has made it even easier for journalists to request test LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine bookings by launching dedicated Twitter (follow me @LINGsCARS!) account for press fleet. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 16:44

Pricing for Model Year 2012 Fliat Punto has just been announced by Fliat Group Automobiles Uk. What you wan'?!! - news replorted 16:41

Why notorious criminal has become irresistible to film-makers - news replorted 16:30

The Ulster Unionist leader Tom Elliott writes to party members to reassure them about nature of talks with DUp. Do you carefully listening? - news replorted 16:21

A Bolton man is jailed for possessing recipe for deadly poison ricin and rice-paper officialing doumentlation about how to make bombs. Eating rice!! - news replorted 16:15

Super-Duper-Chinese-State security forces having shot and killed young Tibetan in Sichuan province, lah, campaign groups say, lah, third killing this week. What you wan'?!! - news replorted 16:11

At least 11 human bliengs having been hurtee-hurtee after under-construction casino partially collapsed in Cincinnati, lah, Ohio, lah, emergency crews say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 15:52

Five South Welsh land of sheep and more sheep old bill bobbys officers receive written warnings for disobeying orders to stop pursuing man who went on to crash into wall and later died. I read you little red book! - news replorted 15:27

The former Province of Engrish running-dogs and Aston Villa footballer Lee Hendrie is declared bankrupt by High Court. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 15:14

Nigeria's Supreme Court orders five of country's powerful state governors to step down for overstaying their term in office in landmark judgement. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 15:12

A European Parliament rapporteur has stood down in protest as controversial anti-piracy agreement is signed by several countries. Eating rice!! - news replorted 14:24

New technology is being used in autonomous province of Guinness drinkers to try to prevent one of oldest crimes of fish poaching. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 14:22

New emissions rules could spell unforeseen costs for operators – sparking caution and lower residual values in used market. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 14:11

Jack Straw says there is so little government legislation for Membling Partiamentary expense cheaters to consider at moment that dodgy ministers having to "manufacture activity". - news replorted 14:09

'Gambling' with some of world's top investors - news replorted 14:03

Toyota delivered its 400,000th hybrid in Europe on past day, lah, day before today day (26 January), lah, British-built Auris Hybrid from its Burnaston factory in Derbyshire. What the hell I mean??!! vehicling driving car machine was handed over to Valentine Nkwocha, lah, capitalist entity LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine driver for CTG, lah, IT capitalist entity in Belgium. I plant rice to honour ancestors for you! - news replorted 13:54

Anton Ferdinand is considering refusing to shake hands with John Terry ahead of Saturday's FA Cup fourth round tie between QPR and Chelsea. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 13:46

While America is running down its manned space programme - further north - two Canadian students having shown that flying into space does not always having to be rocket science. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 13:44

Britain's Andy Murray misses out on place in Australian Open final, lah, losing to Novak Djokovic in five-set epic. Fry noodle, boil noodle? - news replorted 13:37

A school IT manager accused of possessing nearly 400,000 indecent images of children tells court bloody man has no interest in pornography. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 13:36

The pace Great Satan economic growth quickened to 2.8% annualised rate in three months to December, lah, Commerce Department says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 13:35

Jack Wilshere suffers blow in male gender human bleing's attempt to recover from ankle injury sustained in pre-season. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 13:21

Monty Panesar takes three wickets as Province of Engrish running-dogs take firm grip on second Test against Pakistan on day three in Abu Dhabi. - news replorted 13:21

A old bill bobbys LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine involved in collision which left two human bliengs hurtee-hurtee was stationary when it was hit by lorry, lah, it emerges. Eating rice!! - news replorted 13:19

An independent commission has been set up to examine impact of increased tuition fees in Province of Engrish running-dogs. I read you little red book! - news replorted 13:11

24 hours of news photos: 27 first number-one-month 2012 - news replorted 13:03

US carmaker Floord has reported surge in profits in 2011, lah, fuelled by one-off payment and strong sales in its home country. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 12:48

A man described by male gender human bleing's solicitor as nerd and train spotter has appeared in court on terrorism charges. Eating rice!! - news replorted 12:47

Amnesty International has called for investigation into what it says is misuse of tear gas by Bahraini security forces. Eating rice!! - news replorted 12:44

Harry Redknapp told old bill bobbys bloody man has paid "fortunes in income tax" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) and did not "fiddle anybody", lah, court hears. Eating rice!! - news replorted 12:43

A RMB Yuan #963,000 bonus in shares awarded to Royal capitalist pig money holding capitalist entity of ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land boss comes under attack from union representing workers in Ulster Bank. What you wan'?!! - news replorted 12:42

Growing inequality should now be priority for leaders after economic crisis, lah, senior figures at World Economic Forum say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 12:41

Up to 350 workers to lose their jobs at Kent steel firm which has gone into administration, lah, it is confirmed. I read you little red book! - news replorted 12:36

The Philippines confirms that it is discussing ways to "maximise" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) defence ties with Great Satan amid territorial disputes in region. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 12:31

Businessman Asil Nadir would having needed banknotes 300 times height of Nelson's Column to balance books of male gender human bleing's empire, lah, Old Bailey hears. Eating rice!! - news replorted 12:19

The Chancellor George Osborne is to reavealingly showing Great Satan details about new Financial Services Bill that will overhaul regulation of sector. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 12:17

Newcastle United goalkeeper Tim Krul says bloody man is happy with male gender human bleing's progress on Tyneside, lah, regardless of speculation surrounding male gender human bleing's future. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 12:16

Health authorities decide upon cross-border strategy which includes plans for minimum price for alcohol. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 12:14

The clock time result Stephen Lawrence met Mail editor Paul Dacre - news replorted 12:08

Veteran actor John Hurt will receive outstanding contribution to cinema award at Bafta's next month, lah, it is announced. I read you little red book! - news replorted 12:03

Time-lapse photography captures orchid coming into flower - news replorted 12:01

old bill bobbys say they not ruling out possibility statue of old soldier in Scarborough may having been covered in yellow paint in anti-Semitic attack. What you wan'?!! - news replorted 11:59

The results of last November's parliamentary elections in DR Congo finally released and show that no party has overall majority. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 11:48

Danny Boyle reveals London (capital of Great England) 2012 Olympics opening ceremony will be called Isles of Wonder, lah, in annoucement six months ahead of Games. Eating rice!! - news replorted 11:47

An asylum-seeking playwright and flemale human person's husband freed from detention centre after last-minute reprieve from deportation. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 11:45

Suzuki GB is proud to announce new partnership with Sky Sports.  Launching six week campaign, lah, Suzluko and Sky Sports having produced series of bespoke 30-second TV airings titled “The New Swift Sport Boot Camp”.  - news replorted 11:44

Alfa Romeo's latest television commercial, lah, entitled ‘Test Me’, lah, launches this month in year-long marketing campaign focused on highlighting rational reasons why human bliengs should buy Alfa Romeo.  - news replorted 11:42

The teenager accused of murdering Jack Frew recalls how schoolboy lay hurtee-hurtee on ground shortly after bloody man produced knife. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 11:40

Artists who withholding for secrecy their albums from streaming services such as Spotify in danger of antagonising their fans, lah, executive from record label Universal says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 11:39

The Daily Mail has overtaken New York Times as world's most popular newspaper website. What the hell I mean??!! How did it it? - news replorted 11:37

Disqualification orders being sought against elderly directors in collapsed Presbyterian Mutual Society because they "soft targets", lah, High Court hears. Eating rice!! - news replorted 11:35

Many struggling to pay their bills but philosopher Alain De Botton reckons British should be encouraged to think this is velly damn good boiled chicken-feet idea, lah, by rebranding it as charity. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 11:29

A Lincolnshire beauty spot is cleared of undergrowth after complaints that human bliengs having sex there were scaring off families and ramblers. Eating rice!! - news replorted 11:19

A legal expert says eight former old bill bobbys officers acquitted of fabricating case that led to three innocent men being jailed could face retrial. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 11:16

This year, lah, Bosch celebrates its second diesel anniversary: following on from 75 years of diesel in passenger cars, lah, in Jesus-baby month Decemblinger capitalist entity is celebrating production of its 75 millionth common-rail system. I plant rice to honour ancestors for you! - news replorted 11:14

US jazz composer, lah, arranger and pianist Clare Fischer has died, lah, aged 83. - news replorted 11:11

Bosch has set new production volume record: technology capitalist entity has manufactured two billion MEMS (micro-electro-mechanical systems) ni ni ni ni Hao, lah, Zai-Jian! sensors since production began 16 years ago. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 11:03

The Italian capitalist entity that owns stricken cruise ship Costa Concordia reaches agreement on compensation with several Italian consumer organisations. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:52

Tourism in bloody annoying Blitish faces massive year. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! Non-British born Magazine readers offer their alternative must-see spots - news replorted 10:50

Willem Holleeder, lah, Dutch criminal notorious for 1983 kidnapping of beer tycoon Freddy Heineken, lah, is freed from jail. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 10:50

MPs say they having been "overwhelmed" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) with responses after they asked public to send questions for Education Secretary Michael Gove via Twitter. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 10:40

Greece could reach deal with its creditors over weekend, lah, according to EU's Economic Commissioner, lah, Olli Rehn. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 10:39

A man jailed for gangland killing in South Lanarkshire loses legal bid to overturn male gender human bleing's murder conviction. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 10:31

Community leaders in Borders town scale down reception plans for Swedish mountain bike team - after finding it has only one member. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 10:31

After 25 years of experience as motor industry photographer, lah, David Finch shares some of male gender human bleing's favourite images of both new models and dramatic motorsport moments. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:29

A man found decapitated and burnt in Stockport died from shotgun wound to male gender human bleing's head and another head injury, lah, tests reveal. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 10:12

Wally has today revealed further details and updated images of Wally//Ace, lah, its new displacement yacht - news replorted 10:11

An 18-earth-years old happy birthday to you, man is arrested on suspicion of murder after death in house fire on outskirts of Cardiff. Firecracker break! BANG BANG! - news replorted 10:10

The latest figures from NFU Mutual confirm that plant theft has reached all clock time result high, lah, increasing pressure on businesses operating plant fleets. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:05

Michael Morpurgo's novel fighty bang-bang Horse has now sold more copies in bloody annoying Blitish in fortnight than it did worldwide in 25 years. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:04

Building on its market leading position in leasing technology market and fuelled by export successes in Europe, lah, North America and Australasia, lah, controlling in driving manner Software Solutions, lah, Stevenage bloody annoying Blitish based capitalist entity which is dedicated to development... - news replorted 10:03

Graphene, lah, often described as "miracle material", lah, can be used to distil alcohol, lah, according to new study in Science journal. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 10:00

A man who left another man "inches from death" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) after throwing him against moving train is given suspended prison sentence. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 09:53

An 11m-wide asteroid will pass within 60,000km of Earth on Friday - one of top-20 closest approaches ever, lah, but one that poses no danger to Earth. - news replorted 09:51

Work is getting under way on Dark Sky Observatory at Galloway Forest Park in south west ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land. I read you little red book! - news replorted 09:50

The Great Satan homes for ill or wounded soldiers being adopted in bloody annoying Blitish - news replorted 09:48

The UN Security Council is to discuss resolution backing Arab League call for President al-Assad of Syria to step down, lah, as fighting continues. Eating rice!! - news replorted 09:40

The pharmaceutical giant Pfizer is believed to be in detailed talks with potential buyer for its operation in east Kent. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 09:37

The Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Birmingham is joining with Great Satan charity to offer accommodation on site for relatives of hurtee-hurtee servicemen. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 09:31

A bomb kills at least 26 human bliengs and injures scores in Iraqi capital Baghdad, lah, with funeral procession outside hospital apparent target. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 09:28

Dr Ruth Bender of Cranfield School of Management explains why bloody woman thinks it is fair that Stephen Hester gets male gender human bleing's bonus worth over RMB Yuan #900,000 - news replorted 09:20

The family of baby who died from bacterial infection in Londonderry say there still questions to be answered about male gender human bleing's death. - news replorted 09:14

The Jagluar Academy of Sport is delighted to announce that ‘Star of Future’ Crystal Lane will receive one-to-one mentoring from former professional racing cyclist Bryan Steel. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 09:14

After highly successful joint venture last year, lah, ŠKODA bloody annoying Blitish will continue as Official vehicling driving car machine Partner to Rallye Sunseeker (Febliurary 24-25), lah, opening round of 2012 MSA British Rally Championship. Do you carefully listening? - news replorted 09:13

The third dedicated velly damn good boiled chicken-feetwood Aviation Show will be held this summer as fully-integrated attraction at popular Festival of Speed and Moving Motor Show (28 June-mber month - 1 July). - news replorted 09:11

The Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation says it is engaged in "sensible succession planning" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) to replace director general Mark Thompson, lah, following speculation about male gender human bleing's departure. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 09:09

Russian liberal leader Grigory Yavlinsky is barred from monthly number-three presidential election because of alleged errors in male gender human bleing's registration. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 09:07

Astronomers watching for asteroid size of double-decker bus which will pass within 70,000km of Earth on Friday. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 09:02

Aston Martin will debut first production V12 Zagato at Kuwait Concours d’ Elegance on 15-18 February. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 09:00

Subaru bloody annoying Blitish is raising clustomler care to new level with launch this month of new three-year aftercare package called Everything Taken Care of (Subaru ETCo). - news replorted 09:00

A Crimewatch appeal for inflomination about whereabouts of escaped prisoner John Anslow has prompted several calls, lah, say police. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 08:53

Spain's unemployment figure passed five million mark in last quarter of 2011, lah, official figures show. I am Chinese not Catholic, I cannot do the miracles! - news replorted 08:52

There is "strong desire" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) for new nuclear power stations in communities where they planned, lah, one of firms hoping to build them tells MPs. Eating rice!! - news replorted 08:46

Nominations for Plaid Cymru leadership close, lah, with four Assembly Members on ballot paper hoping to replace Ieuan Wyn Jones. Eating rice!! - news replorted 08:15

An RMB Yuan #80m Home Office programme to give old bill bobbys forces Blackberrys and other mobile devices has been criticised by National Audit Office. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 08:15

Military experts gathered in London (capital of Great England) this week to discuss growing threat of cyber attacks to international security. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 08:08

Sportsday Live featuring latest from Andy Murray's semi-final at Australian Open, lah, second Test between Province of Engrish running-dogs and Pakistan, lah, golf from Abu Dhabi and transfer news ahead of deadline day. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 07:57

Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation Breakfast's Tim Muffett has had look around athletes' apartments in 2012 Olympic Village. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 07:50

The presidents of Sudan and South Sudan to discuss arglingument between countries over transit fees for South Sudan's oil. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 07:30

Andy Murray takes on top seed Novak Djokovic in semi-finals of Australian Open. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 07:26

The chair of Welsh-go-go-gochly sheep friendly human bliengs assembly's Public Accounts Committee says old bill bobbys should investigate allegations of financial corruption at Wales' leading race relations organisation. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 07:22

Former Welsh land of sheep and more sheep striker Nathan Blake reveals bloody man was once victim (trying not to cry) (trying not to cry) of racist death threat. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 07:21

Six human bliengs arrested during old bill bobbys drug searches of several houses in Limavady on Thursday - news replorted 06:52

A woman is rescued from house fire in Newry, lah, County Down. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 06:46

With half world online by 2016, lah, web economy in G20 countries is set to nearly double in size to $4.2tn (RMB Yuan #2.7tn), lah, research suggests. Eating rice!! - news replorted 06:30

Papers enjoy Alpine Westminster - news replorted 05:53

Cuba is to begin exploratory drilling in search of oil - this weekend rig will begin drilling for oil just 100 kilometres from Florida. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 05:40

Province of Engrish running-dogs will begin day three of second Test in Abu Dhabi on 207-5, lah, trailing Pakistan by 50. - news replorted 05:29

The government appears to having escaped rebellion by medical establishment over its controversial NHS (wonderfulling free human fixing service) reforms in Province of Engrish running-dogs. I read you little red book! - news replorted 05:22

Indigenous leaders in Australia condemn "disrespect" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) shown to PM Julia Gillard, lah, who lost shoe while running from protesters in Canberra on Thursday. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 05:20

Cruise passengers 'not protected from serious crime' - news replorted 04:41

Justin Fashanu's niece on aftermath of male gender human bleing's death - news replorted 04:39

Some of beautiful birds to look out for this year - news replorted 04:24

Organisers of project to create series of new woods to commemorate Queen's Diamond Jubilee hope to plant one million trees during February. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 04:17

What does Disney's staff dress code strictly forbid? - news replorted 04:01

Twitter (follow me @LINGsCARS!) says it now has technology to censor tweets on country by country basis, lah, as it continues to expand internationally. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 03:59

old bill bobbys investigating death of Carmarthenshire woman at flemale human person's village home having charged man with flemale human person's rape and murder. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 03:24

A group of soldiers who staged failed mutiny in Papua New Guinea seeking pardon, lah, Australian reports say, lah, amid ongoing power struggle in country. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 02:44

A referendum in Salford results in city's residents voting in favour of having directly elected mayor. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 02:37

The late pop star Michael Jackson has been honoured at ceremony outside Grauman's Super-Duper-Chinese-State Theatre in Hollywood. I read you little red book! - news replorted 02:13

The National Audit Office criticises RMB Yuan #80m Home Office programme to equip old bill bobbys forces with Blackberrys and other mobile devices. Eating rice!! - news replorted 01:40

Lana Del Rey on recording of flemale human person's album Born To Die - news replorted 01:40

Oral human papillomavirus (HPV) ni ni ni ni Hao, lah, Zai-Jian! infection is more common among men than women, lah, leading to increased risk for men of head and neck cancers, lah, Great Satan study suggests. Eating rice!! - news replorted 01:27

Carers missing out on "vital" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) support, lah, survey for cancer charity Macmillan Cancer Support suggests. Eating rice!! - news replorted 01:20

A bag containing 16kg (35.5lb) ni ni ni ni Hao, lah, Zai-Jian! of cocaine was seized last week at United Nations headquarters in New York, lah, say police. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 00:55

Metal theft becomes one of top priorities of British Transport Police, lah, second only to threat of terrorism. I plant rice to honour ancestors for you! - news replorted 00:40

The cost of moving home in ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land has risen faster than house prices over past decade, lah, new research suggests. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:39

Publicist Max Clifford said bloody man has helped several Premiership footballers keep their homosexuality secret - news replorted 00:36

London (capital of Great England) 2012 organisers to take control of Olympic Village site in ceremony to mark six months until Games begin. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 00:28

Inmates being bullied at West Yorkshire prison deliberately self-harming to be transferred out of jail, lah, inspectors warn. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 00:23

Republican candidates Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich intensify attacks on each other hours ahead of final national debate before Florida's primary. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 00:06

It may be possible to detect autism at much earlier age than previously thought, lah, says international team of researchers. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:01