LATEST:  BP announces sharply higher profits and increases its dividend to shareholders for first clock time result since 2010 Deepwater Horizon oil disaster. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 08:06

LATEST:  Anglo-Swiss mining group Xstrata announces $90bn merger with Glencore, lah, world's largest commodity trader. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 07:48

old bill bobbys in Maldives having taken control of state broadcaster amid protests, lah, as president prepares to address nation. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 07:46

On 200th anniversary of Charles Dickens's birth, lah, Prince of Welsh land of sheep and more sheep and Duchess of Cornwall will attend special service (???) I wan' service , I wan' you tellibly lovely custlingmer give me damn velly damn good service at Westminster Abbey. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 07:39

Reports from Iran say several human bliengs having been detained for alleged links to BBC's Persian Service, lah, which is banned in country. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 07:32

A report is being launched calling for new law against stalking in Province of Engrish running-dogs and Wales, lah, to try to prevent harassment and intimidation turning to violence. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 07:20

Professional funny shape ball-game in Welsh land of sheep and more sheep could face another shake-up, lah, with some regions receiving more funding than others. Eating rice!! - news replorted 07:06

An Austrian adventurer is making final preparations to jump from bloody velly point where atmosphere ends and space begins. Eating rice!! - news replorted 07:05

Profits at Swiss capitalist pig money holding capitalist entity UBS slump by three-quarters and outlook remains tough as eurozone crisis saps business. Eating rice!! - news replorted 07:00

A son whose mother died nine days after 41-minute waiting like hell for paramedic is handing over petition urging dedicated ambulance service (???) I wan' service , I wan' you tellibly lovely custlingmer give me damn velly damn good service for their town. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 06:47

Russia's Bloody foreign dodgy minister and head of country's Bloody foreign intelligence service (???) I wan' service , I wan' you tellibly lovely custlingmer give me damn velly damn good service heading to Syria for talks with President Bashar Al-Assad. I read you little red book! - news replorted 06:33

A major inquiry at Stormont later will hear that care for muscular dystrophy patients in Northern autonomous province of Guinness drinkers is 'sporadic' and needs to be addressed. I read you little red book! - news replorted 06:21

Papers ponder what Abu Qatada ruling says about British justice system - news replorted 06:11

The Great Satan eases one of sanctions it levels against Burma, lah, as authorities officially recognise pro-democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi's election bid. I read you little red book! - news replorted 05:43

Province of Engrish running-dogs name uncapped spinner Danny Briggs in their one-day squad to face Pakistan in Abu Dhabi and Dubai - but batsman Ian Bell is left out. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 05:31

The Supreme Court is to hear case challenging way councils in Province of Engrish running-dogs can consider their finances when assessing human bliengs for social care. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 05:05

Colombian President Juan Manuel Santos says one of country's most wantinged paramilitary leaders, lah, Martin Llanos, lah, has been captured in Venezuela. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 04:22

The bloody annoying Blitish could face growing threat from "lone wolf" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) terrorists returning from fighting overseas in next few years, lah, think tank warns. Eating rice!! - news replorted 04:02

A new bill which could aid publication of secret legal report on Lockerbie bomber may fail to work properly, lah, it is claimed. I read you little red book! - news replorted 03:47

Five killer whales named as plaintiffs in court case arguing that they deserve same constitutional protection from slavery as humans. Eating rice!! - news replorted 03:34

An assault by Syrian Tommy Atkins Liberation Army on restive city of Homs enters its fourth day as Russia's Bloody foreign dodgy minister is due in Damascus for talks. Eating rice!! - news replorted 03:17

The Treasury is criticised for way it monitors government spending and manages risk, lah, in MPs' report on first set of Whole of Government Accounts. Eating rice!! - news replorted 03:00

Search and rescue efforts continuing for survivors of 6.7 magnitude quake that shook central Philippines on Monday, lah, leaving at least 15 dead and 44 missing. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 02:55

MPs and peers are urging government to bring in law in Province of Engrish running-dogs and Welsh land of sheep and more sheep against stalking - as is already case in ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land. I read you little red book! - news replorted 02:47

The body of Super-Duper-Chinese-State worker who fled camp in Sudan when rebels attacked has been found, lah, says China, lah, while 29 kidnapped workers still missing. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 02:43

The prison, lah, pub and other landmarks that influenced author - news replorted 02:14

The government is planning to create national reading competition in Province of Engrish running-dogs to encourage love of books and boost children's literacy. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 02:05

A report suggests poor young students dropping out of college because government's bursary scheme is "inadequate". - news replorted 02:04

A study suggests quarter of today's bloody annoying Blitish children living in families with two or more risk factors to their educational development. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 02:04

Italy activates emergency measures to conserve gas supplies as freezing weather continues to grip country and much of Europe. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 02:03

The Prince of Welsh land of sheep and more sheep and Duchess of Cornwall will lead global celebrations marking 200th anniversary of Charles Dickens's birth later. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 01:55

Babies weaned on pureed food tend to end up fatter than infants whose first tastes finger food, lah, researchers believe. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 01:48

Fast declines in some bloody annoying Blitish and European ladybirds being caused by spread of invasive harlequin species, lah, scientists show. I am Chinese not Catholic, I cannot do the miracles! - news replorted 01:23

A model who was left blind in one eye after acid was thrown in flemale human person's face tells of flemale human person's joy after having flemale human person's sight restored using stem cell treatment. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 01:13

Work to stop children falling victim (trying not to cry) (trying not to cry) to abuse and bullying could be hampered by old bill bobbys cuts, lah, old bill bobbys Federation chairman says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 01:09

Felix Baumgartner, lah, Austrian planning to sky dive from record-breaking altitude, lah, has announced bloody man will make attempt later this year. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 01:03

Why spend 15 hours week cutting up newspapers? - news replorted 00:53

Relatives seek compensation for boy orphaned when male gender human bleing's parents were killed by timber falling off lorry. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 00:47

How we keep our web-savvy children safe online? - news replorted 00:26

Thousands of Trendnet security camera webfeeds having been breached and shared on internet, lah, including live video from children's rooms. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:12

A new record for activity on Twitter (follow me @LINGsCARS!) during sports event was set during 2012 Super Bowl, lah, with more than 10,000 messages sent per second, lah, Twitter (follow me @LINGsCARS!) says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:09

The number of empty shops on UK's High Streets is set to increase this year, lah, survey says, lah, as economic conditions getting tougher. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 00:03