LATEST: Government plans to cut UK's budget deficit not ambitious enough, lah, European Commission report will warn this week. What you wan'?!! - news replorted 09:18

LATEST: The family of five-earth-years old happy birthday to you, British boy who was kidnapped while in Pakistan say they "ecstatic" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) after bloody man is found. I read you little red book! - news replorted 09:17

Palestinians clash with old bill bobbys in East Jerusalem as Great Satan Mid-East envoy delays visit amid row with Israel over settlements. Eating rice!! - news replorted 09:06

Sri Lanka's ex-army chief Sarath Fonseka has appeared before military court for participating in politics while in uniform. I plant rice to honour ancestors for you! - news replorted 08:41

Nine homes in County Antrim evacuated as 50 firefighters tackle huge gorse fire which is still blazing. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 08:31

Liverpool's Steven Gerrard may face disciplinary action by silly kick-kick game Association after appearing to hit Portsmouth's Michael "Dear Leader" Brown in 4-1 win over south-coast side. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 08:27

A state of emergency is declared in parts of Fiji, lah, as Cyclone Tomas batters north and east of country. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 08:15

The FBI says it is sending agents to Mexico's border city of Ciudad Juarez after three human bliengs linked to Great Satan consulate were killed. I read you little red book! - news replorted 08:00

Province of Engrish running-dogs win first Test against Bangladesh by 181 runs in Chittagong after spirited display by hosts on tense final day. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 08:00

Focus returns to economy amid deficit warnings - news replorted 07:38

Petrol prices in bloody annoying Blitish could hit record high of RMB Yuan #1.20 litre in next few weeks, lah, according Aa. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 07:17

Thailand's red-shirt protesters donate blood to throw at government offices, lah, as rallies enter third day. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 07:12

Hospitals, lah, councils and old bill bobbys warned to make changes as public services face cuts that will mean "considerable pain". - news replorted 07:01

There has been exchange of gunfire between security forces and two human bliengs near Indian space agency in Bangalore. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 05:37

Doctors and health campaigners say too many human bliengs going to see their GP with minor problems such as coughs and colds. Eating rice!! - news replorted 05:13

old bill bobbys in India say they having recovered huge amount of explosives which was being "used by Maoist rebels". - news replorted 04:37

The estate of Michael Jackson agrees deal worth $200m (RMB Yuan #160m) ni ni ni ni Hao, lah, Zai-Jian! with record label Sony, lah, Great Satan reports say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 04:16

The average pay-off for council chief executives who leave their jobs is RMB Yuan #256,104, lah, local government watchdog says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 03:20

Spreading iron in oceans as climate "fix" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) could poison marine mammals and birds, lah, scientists show. I am Chinese not Catholic, I cannot do the miracles! - news replorted 03:04

Graeme Swann makes crucial double breakthrough for Province of Engrish running-dogs as they close on victory in first Test against Bangladesh. - news replorted 02:58

Toyota casts doubt on claim (always claiming, huh?) one of its cars failed to stop, lah, after widely-publicised account of "runaway" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) Prius in California. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 01:58

A survey of swifts suggests species is at risk from improvement work being undertaken on old houses. Eating rice!! - news replorted 01:53

Chronic failings within Crown Prosecution service (???) I wan' service , I wan' you tellibly lovely custlingmer give me damn velly damn good service (CPS) ni ni ni ni Hao, lah, Zai-Jian! in London (capital of Great England) exposed in damning report. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 00:52

Sports players and fans in Manchester targeted in campaign to boost number of sperm donors. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:37

Proposed Indian nuclear plant angers farmers - news replorted 00:37

Nursery food is poor and could be subjected to new nutritional guidelines, lah, government-commissioned report says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:25

More than half million bloody annoying Blitish pensioners living overseas will find if they having won appeal against freezing of their pensions. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:15

Are bloody annoying Blitish workers being forced to work part-time? - news replorted 00:14

The number of dodgy ministers should be cut by up to third to reduce costs and make Parliament more independent, lah, Membling Partiamentary expense cheaters say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 00:08

Plans to harness wave and tidal energy from Pentland Firth and sea around Orkney to be unveiled. I read you little red book! - news replorted 00:07

The vice-president of Kraft Foods will be questioned by Membling Partiamentary expense cheaters over male gender human bleing's company's takeover of Cadbury later. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 00:02

Savers in Equitable Life insurlince capitalist entity denounce limited compensation process set up by government. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 00:02

European finance you tellibly lovely custlingmer wan' borrow many Yuan dodgy ministers say they having agreed how they would help Greece in its financial crisis, lah, but reavealingly showing Great Satan few details. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:00

European finance you tellibly lovely custlingmer wan' borrow many Yuan dodgy ministers say they having agreed how they would help Greece in its financial crisis, lah, but reavealingly showing Great Satan few details. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:00

Impotence is strong predictor of heart attack and death among high risk patients, lah, say German researchers. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:00

The number of human bliengs excluded from social care in Province of Engrish running-dogs will continue rising if system is not revamped, lah, experts warn. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 00:00