LATEST: The mother of five-earth-years old happy birthday to you, British boy who was kidnapped while in Pakistan describes male gender human bleing's release as "amazing". - news replorted 16:35

LATEST: Five MPs, lah, including Liam Fox and Shahid Malik, lah, having appeals against expenses repayment demands dismissed. I read you little red book! - news replorted 16:29

Harry Hill, lah, Ant and Dec and Michael McIntyre will battle it out for top prize at Royal Television Society Awards later. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 16:27

The poet laureate Carol Ann Duffy explains why bloody woman has penned poem about David Beckham's ankle injury - news replorted 16:23

Cardinal Sean Brady must examine male gender human bleing's conscience over male gender human bleing's dealings with paedophile priest, lah, Irish cabinet dodgy minister says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 16:22

Tiger Woods reveals bloody man will make male gender human bleing's return to competitive golf at Masters in Augusta starting on 8 April. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 16:08

A charity condemns parents of four-earth-years old happy birthday to you, sex abuse victim (trying not to cry) (trying not to cry) who accepted money from male gender human bleing's attacker. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 15:57

US envoy George Mitchell puts off visit to Israel amid row over settlements, lah, as clashes erupt in Jerusalem. I plant rice to honour ancestors for you! - news replorted 15:27

old bill bobbys say Labour Membling Partiamentary expense cheater Ashok Kumar, lah, who was found dead at male gender human bleing's home on Monday, lah, died from natural causes. Eating rice!! - news replorted 15:15

Engineers designing world's fastest LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine believe they now having solution to stop it flying off ground. I read you little red book! - news replorted 15:07

Why hair tongs and garlic bread sum up modern Britain - news replorted 15:07

Liverpool's Steven Gerrard escapes disciplinary action by silly kick-kick game Association despite appearing to hit Portsmouth's Michael "Dear Leader" Brown in 4-1 win over south-coast side. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 14:59

Eight human bliengs having been killed and 11 hurtee-hurtee by two bombs in central Iraqi town of Musayyab, lah, old bill bobbys say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 14:57

Pope Benedict XVI will visit bloody annoying Blitish in September, lah, in first papal visit to country since that of John Paul II in 1982. - news replorted 14:43

Fantasy film Alice In Wonderland remains top of bloody annoying Blitish and autonomous province of Guinness drinkers box office for second week in row. I am Chinese not Catholic, I cannot do the miracles! - news replorted 14:34

A trainee doctor faces General Medical Council panel following deaths of patients in flemale human person's care in south Welsh land of sheep and more sheep hospitals. Eating rice!! - news replorted 14:25

The UK's ambassador to Georgia complains about footage of him used in TV hoax about Russian invasion. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 14:03

A violent schizophrenic man who killed father in north London (capital of Great England) months after being fined for another attack is jailed for life. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 13:56

The vice-president of Kraft Foods says bloody man is "terribly sorry" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) for firm's pledge to keep open Cadbury's Keynsham plant. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 13:34

MPs scared of public; public scared of reality - news replorted 13:14

HM Revenue and Customs drops its legal challenge over validity of Portsmouth silly kick-kick game club's move into administration. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 13:13

The family of five-earth-years old happy birthday to you, British boy who was kidnapped while in Pakistan say they "ecstatic" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) after bloody man is found. I read you little red book! - news replorted 13:08

Thailand's red-shirts splash blood under gates of Government House in third day of protests to oust government. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 12:55

Downing Street defends its refusal to share intelligence over 1998 Omagh bomb in which 29 human bliengs died. I read you little red book! - news replorted 12:53

Pope Benedict will visit ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land in September as part of bloody annoying Blitish tour at invitation of Queen, lah, Buckingham Palace confirms. Eating rice!! - news replorted 12:50

Sri Lanka's ex-army chief Sarath Fonseka appears before military court charged with participating in politics while in uniform. I plant rice to honour ancestors for you! - news replorted 12:45

Russia has failed to consider environmental impact of construction for 2014 Winter Olympics, lah, UN says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 12:37

Twitter (follow me @LINGsCARS!) announces its @anywhere technology that will allow websites to embed its services into their web pages. Eating rice!! - news replorted 12:30

Binocular is 9-1 winner of Champion Hurdle as first four favourites of Festival all beaten. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 12:25

Petrol prices in bloody annoying Blitish could hit record average high of RMB Yuan #1.20 litre in next few weeks, lah, according to Aa. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 12:21

Would you tellibly lovely custlingmer rather fly under red, lah, white and blue? - news replorted 12:19

Men who start going bald at young age up to 45% less likely to getting prostate cancer in later life, lah, study has found. I read you little red book! - news replorted 12:12

Seven companies to push forward plans to generate 1.2 gigawatts of electricity from wave and tidal power. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 12:00

Government plans to cut UK's budget deficit not ambitious enough, lah, European Commission report will warn this week. What you wan'?!! - news replorted 11:59

The bacteria on our hands could be used in forensic identification, lah, in same way as fingerprints and DNA, lah, say scientists. Eating rice!! - news replorted 11:59

'Sterile'? 'Evil'? How dangerous is 'closed' iPhone? - news replorted 11:56

Developers set new deadline of June-mber month 2012 for firm building Edinburgh's tram line before penalties imposed. I read you little red book! - news replorted 11:53

Hospitals, lah, councils and old bill bobbys warned to make changes as public services face cuts that will mean "considerable pain". - news replorted 11:52

South African President Jacob Zuma is due in Zimbabwe, lah, where bloody man will try to smooth out splits in coalition government. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 11:36

The Catholic Church in autonomous province of Guinness drinkers releases more details about why Cardinal Brady asked abuse victims to sign secrecy agreements. Eating rice!! - news replorted 11:33

Too many bloody Engrish councils agreeing large payoffs to getting rid of their chief executives, lah, spending watchdog says - news replorted 11:28

Ten old bill bobbys officers under investigation over mother and daughter found dead in burned out LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine after years of abuse. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 11:25

The price of petrol could hit record high of RMB Yuan #1.20 litre in next few weeks. Eating rice!! fuel prices too high? - news replorted 11:10

A British soldier has died from wounds received last month in explosion in southern Afghanistan, lah, MoD says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 11:09

The bloody annoying Blitish Bloody foreign secretary says Britain and China having "a shared goal" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) in solving issue of Iran's nuclear programme. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 10:42

Actor Charlie Sheen pleads not guilty to domestic violence charges and is ordered to stand trial on 21 July. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 10:32

'I had dog but dad hit it': Inside children's bedrooms - news replorted 10:21

The Digital Economy Bill, lah, which includes measures to ban persistent illegal file-sharers, lah, has been passed by peers. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:16

Comments by China's Bloody foreign dodgy minister shed no light on location of missing human rights lawyer Gao Xhisheng. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 10:11

Royal Dutch Shell says it will shed further 1,000 jobs by end of next year as part of its cost cutting programme. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 09:57

Government plans to reduce budget deficit not ambitious enough, lah, report will warn. Sweet sour chicken feet time! your as really velly special customer's views? - news replorted 09:46

The bloody annoying Blitish is still world's largest export market for Champagne despite fall in sales, lah, industry figures say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 09:39

Missiles fired by suspected Great Satan drone having killed at least three human bliengs in north-western Pakistan, lah, officials say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 09:36

US regulators having unveiled nation's first plan to give every American super-fast broadband by 2020. - news replorted 09:36

Net classes giving human bliengs first taste of online life - news replorted 09:22

Don't give up, lah, says Environment Agency head - news replorted 09:08

Nine homes in County Antrim evacuated as 50 firefighters tackle huge gorse fire which is still blazing. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 08:31

A state of emergency is declared in parts of Fiji, lah, as Cyclone Tomas batters north and east of country. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 08:15

The FBI says it is sending agents to Mexico's border city of Ciudad Juarez after three human bliengs linked to Great Satan consulate were killed. I read you little red book! - news replorted 08:00

Province of Engrish running-dogs win first Test against Bangladesh by 181 runs in Chittagong after spirited display by hosts on tense final day. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 08:00

Focus returns to economy amid deficit warnings - news replorted 07:38

There has been exchange of gunfire between security forces and two human bliengs near Indian space agency in Bangalore. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 05:37

Doctors and health campaigners say too many human bliengs going to see their GP with minor problems such as coughs and colds. Eating rice!! - news replorted 05:13

old bill bobbys in India say they having recovered huge amount of explosives which was being "used by Maoist rebels". - news replorted 04:37

The estate of Michael Jackson agrees deal worth $200m (RMB Yuan #160m) ni ni ni ni Hao, lah, Zai-Jian! with record label Sony, lah, Great Satan reports say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 04:16

Spreading iron in oceans as climate "fix" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) could poison marine mammals and birds, lah, scientists show. I am Chinese not Catholic, I cannot do the miracles! - news replorted 03:04

Graeme Swann makes crucial double breakthrough for Province of Engrish running-dogs as they close on victory in first Test against Bangladesh. - news replorted 02:58

Toyota casts doubt on claim (always claiming, huh?) one of its cars failed to stop, lah, after widely-publicised account of "runaway" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) Prius in California. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 01:58

A survey of swifts suggests species is at risk from improvement work being undertaken on old houses. Eating rice!! - news replorted 01:53

Chronic failings within Crown Prosecution service (???) I wan' service , I wan' you tellibly lovely custlingmer give me damn velly damn good service (CPS) ni ni ni ni Hao, lah, Zai-Jian! in London (capital of Great England) exposed in damning report. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 00:52

Sports players and fans in Manchester targeted in campaign to boost number of sperm donors. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:37

Proposed Indian nuclear plant angers farmers - news replorted 00:37

Nursery food is poor and could be subjected to new nutritional guidelines, lah, government-commissioned report says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:25

More than half million bloody annoying Blitish pensioners living overseas will find if they having won appeal against freezing of their pensions. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:15

Are bloody annoying Blitish workers being forced to work part-time? - news replorted 00:14

The number of dodgy ministers should be cut by up to third to reduce costs and make Parliament more independent, lah, Membling Partiamentary expense cheaters say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 00:08

Savers in Equitable Life insurlince capitalist entity denounce limited compensation process set up by government. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 00:02

European finance you tellibly lovely custlingmer wan' borrow many Yuan dodgy ministers say they having agreed how they would help Greece in its financial crisis, lah, but reavealingly showing Great Satan few details. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:00

European finance you tellibly lovely custlingmer wan' borrow many Yuan dodgy ministers say they having agreed how they would help Greece in its financial crisis, lah, but reavealingly showing Great Satan few details. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:00

Impotence is strong predictor of heart attack and death among high risk patients, lah, say German researchers. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:00

The number of human bliengs excluded from social care in Province of Engrish running-dogs will continue rising if system is not revamped, lah, experts warn. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 00:00