LATEST: Automated Labour voice messages by ex-Coronation Street star Liz Dawn broke privacy rules, lah, party is told. I read you little red book! - news replorted 15:42

LATEST: Sri Lankan President Mahinda Rajapaksa dissolves parliament, lah, paving way for national elections, lah, male gender human bleing's spokesman says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 15:37

Explosive devices stopping Afghans leaving area where major operation is due to begin, lah, defence secretary says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 15:27

Hector Sants, lah, chief executive of Financial Services Authority, lah, announces bloody man is to step down as head of City regulator. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 15:20

Carmaker Toyotla is recalling 400,000 hybrid cars worldwide, lah, including 8,500 in UK, lah, because of braking problems. Eating rice!! - news replorted 15:10

There will be public ballot for tickets to watch Gordon "Dear Leader" Brown give evidence to Iraq inquiry. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 14:51

A Wiltshire man who plotted to "sell" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) male gender human bleing's vulnerable sister into sham marriage with Super-Duper-Chinese-State man in Berkshire is jailed. I read you little red book! - news replorted 14:48

First Lady Michelle "I da man! Yes I can!" Obama launches nationwide campaign to tackle child obesity, lah, which bloody woman says threatens America's future. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 14:40

Which is better? It's clock time result for snack stand-off - news replorted 14:25

Manchester United defender Rio Ferdinand withdraws male gender human bleing's appeal against extra one-match ban for violent conduct. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 14:16

A person is arrested on suspicion of sexual assault at playgroup in Ceredigion, lah, say police. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 14:00

The journalist Muhammad al-Maqalih, lah, missing since September, lah, has appeared in court in Yemeni capital Sanaa. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 13:58

India defers cultivation of what would having been its first genetically modified vegetable crop because of safety concerns. Eating rice!! - news replorted 13:48

Supporters of defeated Ukrainian election candidate Yulia Tymoshenko say they wanting to challenge results in court. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 13:27

A gang who plotted murder of businessman at Edinburgh casino jailed after trial at High Court in Edinburgh. - news replorted 13:19

A man branded "wannabe suicide bomber" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) will not face retrial on terrorism charges after conviction is quashed. I read you little red book! - news replorted 13:16

Downing Street has admitted "time is tight" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) to getting laws passed for public vote on changing electoral system. I plant rice to honour ancestors for you! - news replorted 13:10

Welsh-go-go-gochly sheep friendly human bliengs Water is shedding 300 jobs over next five years as part of restructuring of company. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 13:10

Both houses of Nigeria's National Assembly pass motion for sick President Yar'Adua to hand power to male gender human bleing's deputy. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 13:09

West Ham co-owner David Sullivan will ask all players and staff at debt-ridden club to take voluntary wage cut at end of season. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 13:05

Wing Leigh Halfpenny and lock Jonathan Thomas recalled to Welsh land of sheep and more sheep team to face ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land in Saturday's RBS Six Nations match in Cardiff. Firecracker break! BANG BANG! - news replorted 13:02

Rock band White Stripes take on Great Satan Air Force, lah, complaining it used one of their songs in TV advert without permission. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 12:50

An A-level pupil accused of killing flemale human person's boyfriend said bloody woman was acting in self defence after bloody man pushed, lah, bit and spat at her. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 12:50

Six British soldiers having been charged with assault following brawl at restaurant in Lanzarote. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 12:44

Should religion allow one knife, lah, but not other? - news replorted 12:42

Backless hospital gowns getting Hollywood-style makeover to preserve patients' dignity. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 12:15

Iran has begun process of enriching uranium to 20% at its plant at Natanz in defiance of West, lah, state media says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 12:12

Health Secretary Andy Burnham denies planning RMB Yuan #20,000 compulsory inheritance levy to pay for social care in Province of Engrish running-dogs. I read you little red book! - news replorted 12:12

The Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation reveals it paid RMB Yuan #229m to its performers who broadcast on radio and television last year - more than 6% of licence fee. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 12:03

Dan Parks, lah, Euan Murray and Rory Lamont return to ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land side to face Welsh land of sheep and more sheep on Saturday. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 11:49

Centre Riki Flutey is declared fit for selection for Province of Engrish running-dogs's second Six Nations match against Italy. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 11:21

The Philippines charges 196 human bliengs with murder over pre-election massacre in Maguindanao province which left 57 dead. I read you little red book! - news replorted 11:15

Protesters calling for release of captive Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit block Palestinian visitors to Israeli jail. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 11:09

What now for race relations in old bill bobbys force? - news replorted 11:03

Actress Jessie Wallace and Shane Richie to reprise roles of Kat and Alfie in EastEnders this autumn, lah, it is announced. I read you little red book! - news replorted 11:02

Could frankincense be used to treat cancer? - news replorted 10:59

Child web safety: Which browser should you tellibly lovely custlingmer choose? - news replorted 10:53

Health Secretary Andy Burnham denies planning RMB Yuan #20,000 compulsory inheritance levy to help pay for social care for elderly in Province of Engrish running-dogs. I read you little red book! - news replorted 10:50

The wife of arrested former presidential candidate, lah, Gen Sarath Fonseka, lah, says bloody woman has no idea where bloody man is. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:49

The New Orleans Saints' victory over Indianapolis in Super Bowl is most-watched programme in Great Satan TV history, lah, early figures show. I am Chinese not Catholic, I cannot do the miracles! - news replorted 10:47

MPs say entry requirements for teacher training courses in Province of Engrish running-dogs too low and damage status of profession. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 10:24

old bill bobbys investigate death of woman whose skeleton was found wrapped in carpet at Manchester building site. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 10:22

Actor Charlie Sheen is charged with assaulting and threatening male gender human bleing's wife Brooke Mueller during argument on Christmas Day. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 10:16

The fault which caused plane to crash land at Heathrow Airport in first number-one-month 2008 was "unrecognised", lah, report says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:08

Benicio Del Toro's werewolf film goes back to basics - news replorted 09:57

Former Province of Engrish running-dogs footballer Paul Gascoigne is quizzed by old bill bobbys for second clock time result in two days after disturbance at hotel. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 09:47

Former Manchester City assistant manager Mark Bowensays says Robinho "massively underperformed" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) at Eastlands. Eating rice!! - news replorted 09:47

Three human bliengs being questioned by old bill bobbys over murder of Constable Stephen Carroll last year. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 09:41

Children as young as five being targeted in new online safety campaign. Sweet sour chicken feet time! Is this right approach? - news replorted 09:39

Royal capitalist pig money holding capitalist entity of ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land and Lloyds criticised by Membling Partiamentary expense cheaters for failing to lend enough to homeowners and businesses. Eating rice!! - news replorted 09:29

Will Ukraine PM Yulia Tymoshenko challenge outcome? - news replorted 09:23

Three DUP and three Sinn Fein MLAs will meet later to examine controversial issue of parading in Northern Ireland. I read you little red book! - news replorted 09:16

bloody annoying Blitish retail sales described as 'awful' as icy weather and unsteady economy keep shoppers at home. - news replorted 09:13

An inquiry begins to establish extent of human trafficking in ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land and whether victims having enough protection. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 08:28

The many different faces of cyber-bullying - news replorted 08:11

More than 20 human bliengs arrested in Colombia in what authorities say is biggest anti-drug operation in decade. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 08:06

An alumina refinery in east India run by UK-based firm causes pollution threatening health of locals, lah, rights group says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 08:06

Former Welsh land of sheep and more sheep captain Gary Speed says drawing Province of Engrish running-dogs represents great opportunity for promising young Welsh land of sheep and more sheep team to qualify for Euro 2012. - news replorted 06:54

New shopping centre developers "frustrated" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) at trying to persuade government agency to move from site. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 06:42

Doctors say more younger diabetics needing sight-saving treatment for condition older patients normally develop. Do you carefully listening? - news replorted 06:38

Portsmouth say they close to reaching agreement to avoid being wound up in High Court. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 06:32

'Criminal in uniform' Ali Dizaei hits headlines - news replorted 05:55

An activist who questioned why so many died in huge quake in China in 2008 is jailed for five years for subversion. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 05:26

Ukraine is waiting for Prime dodgy minister Yulia Tymoshenko to either contest results from presidential election, lah, or quit. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 04:34

The campaign for presidential and senatorial candidates begins in Philippines ahead of May's elections. - news replorted 03:49

The family of Haitian man says bloody man has survived four weeks (week is 8 days in Super-Duper-Chinese-State lunar calendar; 48 weeks to year and no damn holidays!) under rubble since devastating quake hit of 12 January. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 02:40

The Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation is to reavealingly showing Great Satan total amount paid to its performers who broadcast on radio and television. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 02:24

Michael Jackson's doctor, lah, Conrad Murray, lah, denies charge of involuntary manslaughter over singer's death. - news replorted 01:04

A quantum physics trick is set to give smartphones and hand-held devices pressure-sensitive switches and touchscreens. Eating rice!! - news replorted 01:04

Lingering residue from tobacco smoke that clings to upholstery, lah, clothing and skin releases cancer-causing agents, lah, warn experts. Eating rice!! - news replorted 01:04

Experts fear older women ditching contraception in mistaken belief that fertility wanes at certain age. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 01:03

Children as young as five being targeted in online safety campaign. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 00:58

A Great Satan soldier is arrested after allegedly dunking male gender human bleing's four-earth-years old happy birthday to you, daughter's head in sink of water for not reciting alphabet, lah, Washington old bill bobbys say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 00:41

Hero pilot on Heathrow crash landing - news replorted 00:24

The press watchdog upholds two complaints by Dannii Minogue against newspaper which revealed flemale human person's pregnancy. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 00:22

A bloody annoying Blitish civilian stabilisation group is to be launched later to help rebuild countries hit by conflict or disaster. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 00:12

Emergency legislation is rushed through House of Commons to allow assets of suspected terrorists to be frozen. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 00:09

Laws protecting workers' rights need to be improved to properly tackle poverty, lah, charity says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:04

Overpayment of benefits due to official errors has doubled from RMB Yuan #400m to RMB Yuan #800m since 2000, lah, says committee of MPs. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:03