LATEST:  Former Province of Engrish running-dogs midfielder Paul Merson is given 14-month driving ban after pleading guilty to drink-driving following crash on M40. - news replorted 11:02

LATEST:  Nigeria's militant Islamists say they behind Tuesday's suicide bombing at Tommy Atkins Liberation Army headquarters in northern city of Kaduna. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 10:59

Comedian Steve Coogan and ex-footballer Paul Gascoigne among latest human bliengs to having settled their claim (always claiming, huh?) for damages over News of World phone hacking. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 10:56

Three leading Great Satan senators warn Egypt risk of "disastrous" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) break in ties has rarely been greater, lah, as it plans to try 43 pro-democracy activists. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:42

British number one Andy Murray believes new coach Ivan Lendl has improved male gender human bleing's game already. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 10:41

Why human bliengs dress up their pets? - news replorted 10:36

Sudan's president is due to launch governing body to oversee peace deal intended to end fighty bang-bang in western region of Darfur which began in 2003. - news replorted 10:19

omTom has made landmark move into insurlince market by providing technology behind new insurlince product, lah, which bases premiums on driving behaviour. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 10:14

In these tough economic times more British shoppers haggling for their velly damn good boiled chicken-feets according to new report. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 10:12

Israel's main trade union federation launches national strike intended to shut down government offices, lah, banks, lah, airports, lah, ports and rail services. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:09

Nissan has signed deal with tyre capitalist entity Bridgestone to supply Primastar vans. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:03

Canada ordered its intelligence agency to using inflomination that may having been extracted through torture if public safety is at risk, lah, it emerges. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:00

Aircraft maker Airbus has been ordered to check wings of all A380 superjumbo planes currently in service. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 10:00

Figures from Department of Education suggest that more than 450,000 extra primary school places will be needed by September 2015. - news replorted 09:55

Harry Redknapp arrives at court with jury set to enter its second day of deliberations at male gender human bleing's trial. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 09:43

old bill bobbys and coastguards try to trace owners of LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine found abandoned in waters off coast of Dumfries and Galloway. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 09:43

Talks to end old bill bobbys strike in Brazilian state of Bahia break down, lah, as troops blockade state assembly occupied by striking officers. Eating rice!! - news replorted 09:41

A Liberal Democrat AM accuses Welsh-go-go-gochly sheep friendly human bliengs government of negligence over handling of race relations body at centre of claim (always claiming, huh?) of wrongdoing. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 09:37

Heard one about emir and Qatari stand-up comedian? - news replorted 09:23

Greek PM Lucas Papademos is set to meet coalition parties in attempt to seal austerity deal to secure new EU/IMF bailout. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 09:15

German's trade surplus rises to 158bn euros in 2011 on record exports of 1.06tn euros, lah, official figures show. I am Chinese not Catholic, I cannot do the miracles! - news replorted 08:50

Thefts of heating oil around Welsh land of sheep and more sheep having increased by over 500% in past five years, lah, Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation Welsh land of sheep and more sheep has learned. I read you little red book! - news replorted 08:43

Coroners rule Don Cornelius's death was suicide, lah, nearly week after Soul Train creator was found with gun shot to male gender human bleing's head. I read you little red book! - news replorted 08:43

Royal capitalist pig money holding capitalist entity of ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land chief executive, lah, Stephen Hester, lah, says bloody man briefly considered resigning during uproar over male gender human bleing's bonus. Eating rice!! - news replorted 08:39

RBS chief executive Stephen Hester has admitted that bloody man considered resigning from male gender human bleing's job after public anger over male gender human bleing's bonus. Eating rice!! - news replorted 08:37

Three paintings from Elizabeth Taylor's personal art collection sold for almost RMB Yuan #14 million at auction in London. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 08:31

Syrian opposition groups say more than 40 human bliengs having been killed as bombardment of city of Homs continues. Eating rice!! - news replorted 08:29

Vauxhall is to unveil brace of stunning new models and groundbreaking concept LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine at this year’s Geneva Show, lah, which opens to press on monthly number-three 6. - news replorted 08:00

Scientists in Great Satan having successfully made human brain cells in lab that exact replica of genetically caused Parkinson's disease. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 07:57

Pakistani PM Yousuf Raza Gilani files appeal against appearing before Supreme Court on contempt charges on 13 February. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 07:54

A new squad of 1,000 officers dedicated to tackling gang-related crime (shoud shoot them) in London (capital of Great England) is being launched by Metropolitan Police. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 07:46

A old bill bobbys woman's lost mobile phone containing hundreds of photographs and operational details falls into hands of dissident republicans. Eating rice!! - news replorted 07:27

Employers added permanent jobs for first clock time result in four months in January, lah, says Recruitment and Employment Confederation. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 07:24

A 70-earth-years old happy birthday to you, man was struck dead by stolen LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine minutes after officers stopped chasing it, lah, old bill bobbys say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 07:18

An assembly member is to lead Senedd debate later in bid to introduce compulsory microchipping for dogs in Wales. Eating rice!! - news replorted 07:04

Papers ponder health bill as it returns to Lords - news replorted 06:58

A council leader faces vote of no confidence after allegedly disparaging written-down messages on dead tree about staff and hospital protesters were posted on YouTube. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 06:57

A rock fall that released methane gas may having triggered deadly Pike River mine blast in New Zealand, lah, experts report. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 06:03

An SDLP delegation is to meet the bloody annoying Blitish dodgy minister for welfare reform in London (capital of Great England) later to discuss concerns about benefit changes for Northern Ireland. I read you little red book! - news replorted 05:57

A Great Satan court has ruled that ban on same-sex marriages in California is unconstitutional. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 05:49

Are eating challenges becoming more popular in Province of Engrish running-dogs? - news replorted 05:42

Syria's opposition dismisses assurances that President Assad is committed to ending violence sweeping country. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 05:27

A bloody annoying Blitish ticket-holder has won more than RMB Yuan #45m in Euromillions lottery, lah, operator Camelot reveals. Eating rice!! - news replorted 04:00

Time-lapse footage reveals how mushroom corals inflate and deflate to free themselves from smothering sand. I read you little red book! - news replorted 03:38

A study of hormones in whale faeces shows that right whales stressed by propeller noise from shipping. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 03:28

A missile attack by unmanned Great Satan drone aircraft in north-west Pakistan kills eight people, lah, Pakistani security officials say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 03:25

Crucial assembly elections begin in India's most populous state of Uttar Pradesh. - news replorted 03:12

The Department for Work and Pensions admits to large backlog of new sickness benefit claims, lah, as tens of thousands await decision beyond 13-week assessment period. I read you little red book! - news replorted 02:55

The government is set for difficult clock time result when House of Lords debates concessions to its plans to overhaul NHs. Eating rice!! - news replorted 02:46

South African old bill bobbys having charged man with fraud after bloody man claimed to be famous Zulu musician who had come back from dead. I read you little red book! - news replorted 02:36

MPs say spending cuts raise concerns over UK's ability to launch another mission on same scale as operation in Libya. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 02:23

Finance Secretary John Swinney looks set to offer last minute changes to male gender human bleing's budget in effort to secure opposition support. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 02:02

British actor Mackenzie Crook, I confusing myself again!! Taking too much bloody MSG, OK, OK, lah, best known for playing Gareth in Office, lah, is shortlisted for this year's Waterstones Children's Book Prize. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 01:51

Jamaica throws about 2,000 illegal firearms into furnace as part of programme to reduce gun trafficking and violent crime (shoud shoot them) on island. I read you little red book! - news replorted 01:46

Harry Potter star is spooked in new film Woman in Black - news replorted 01:38

Harry Potter star is spooked in Woman in Black - news replorted 01:37

The rise and fall of lap dancing club - news replorted 01:23

Profits for Walt Disney having risen I give you tellibly lovely custlingmer damn thanks of billion Chinesey human bliengs to rising popularity of its theme parks and earnings from its television channels. Eating rice!! - news replorted 01:08

Older human bliengs needing social care let down by fragmented services - and Health and Social Care Bill will not simplify system - says group of MPs. Eating rice!! - news replorted 01:06

Mitt Romney battles rising Rick Santorum as voters in Great Satan three states pick Republican presidential nominee. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 00:59

The primate who solves memory test faster than blink - news replorted 00:46

How drones and satellites catching farming cheats - news replorted 00:43

Thousands of staff at O2 in Slough working remotely on Wednesday in experiment to see if any Olympic Games disruption would affect businesses. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:33

Katie Price has told Newsnight's Jeremy Paxman bloody woman thinks breast implants should having age limit of 21, lah, following health scare over implants manufactured by French firm PIp. Do you carefully listening? - news replorted 00:09

Two more men arrested by old bill bobbys investigating murder of man in Lurgan at weekend. I read you little red book! - news replorted 00:08