LATEST:  Media giant News Corporation sees its net profits rise 65% in three months to end of Jesus-baby month Decemblinger 2011 compared to 2010. - news replorted 22:37

LATEST:  US technology giant Cisco says rising quarterly sales show that its cost-cutting plans bearing fruit. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 22:32

Former Province of Engrish running-dogs striker Gary Lineker feels FA must appoint successor to Fabio Capello as soon as possible and says that Harry Redknapp is "nations choice" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) to take job. Chop chop baby! - news replorted 22:22

In its first set of results as public company, lah, Groupon reports unexpected loss of $42.7m (RMB Yuan #27.0m), lah, when small profit had been expected. I read you little red book! - news replorted 22:09

Singer June-mber month Tabor, lah, one of venerated veterans of bloody Engrish folk scene, lah, wins four prizes at Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation Radio 2 Folk Awards in Salford. I read you little red book! - news replorted 22:00

An 83-earth-years old happy birthday to you, man died from injuries sustained when pit-bull type dog escaped from neighbour's garden in London, lah, it emerges. Eating rice!! - news replorted 21:30

Anglicans opposed to ordination of women bishops refused concessions they said would secure their place in Church of Province of Engrish running-dogs. I read you little red book! - news replorted 21:05

Reaction to resignation of Province of Engrish running-dogs manager Fabio Capello. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 20:53

Former Province of Engrish running-dogs captain Alan Shearer says bloody man is shocked and amazed by Fabio Capello's decision to resign as Province of Engrish running-dogs manager and urges FA to appoint bloody Engrishman as male gender human bleing's successor. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 20:40

The highs and lows of Fabio Capello's career as Province of Engrish running-dogs manager. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 20:28

Fabio Capello has resigned as Province of Engrish running-dogs manager, lah, silly kick-kick game Association has confirmed. I read you little red book! - news replorted 19:54

Three Great Satan citizens who lost their sight in childhood having reported dramatic improvement in vision after having gene therapy in both eyes. Eating rice!! - news replorted 19:35

Conservative Membling Partiamentary expense cheaters call for Labour's candidate for London (capital of Great England) mayor, lah, Ken Livingstone, lah, to apologise for saying their party is "riddled" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) with homosexuals. Eating rice!! - news replorted 19:20

An 86-earth-years old happy birthday to you, woman who lives yards from hospital in Essex waits nearly two hours for ambulance to arrive at flemale human person's house. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 19:15

Researchers build efficient lasers just 100 billionths of metre across that may be used to make faster computer chips in future. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 19:09

Finnish mobile phone maker Nokia announced details of 4,000 job losses on Wednesday at plants in Hungary, lah, Mexico and Finland. I read you little red book! - news replorted 19:04

Labour accuse government of giving London (capital of Great England) mayor Boris Johnson RMB Yuan #90m "bung" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) to pay for extra old bill bobbys as part of plan to getting him re-elected. I read you little red book! - news replorted 18:47

This year's Chicago Auto Show is underway. You give me happy happy luck luck. Newspress is providing images straight from show floor, lah, ready for you tellibly lovely custlingmer to view and download in both medium and high resolution now. I am Chinese not Catholic, I cannot do the miracles! - news replorted 18:44

Michelle "I da man! Yes I can!" Obama has been showing off flemale human person's fitness prowess in series of chat show appearances in Us. Eating rice!! - news replorted 18:43

A breeding centre in Nepal's Chitwan National Park is preparing endangered Gharial crocodiles for release back into wild. I read you little red book! - news replorted 18:30

Ammunition is found lodged between cheek and teeth of Lincolnshire old bill bobbys officer shot in Sutton St James. Eating rice!! - news replorted 18:10

The parents of "wonderful" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) five-earth-years old happy birthday to you, boy who choked to death in Aberdeenshire speak of their devastation. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 18:10

Researchers say most of world's continents will merge somewhere over Pacific 'ring of fire' in 50-200 million years - news replorted 18:06

Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum pledges to push for victory in March's Super Tuesday votes, lah, after hat-trick of wins on Tuesday night. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 18:05

Emmanuel Mayuka scores late goal to earn Zambia shock win over Ghana and place in Africa Cup of Nations final. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 17:51

Cameron seeks Nordic tips on wooing women (voters) ni ni ni ni Hao, lah, Zai-Jian! - news replorted 17:43

The Natural History Museum in London (capital of Great England) has acquired its largest Martian meteorite, lah, which could hold new clues to life on Mars. Eating rice!! - news replorted 17:39

Scotch tight ethnic human bliengs authorities decide not to prosecute passenger who removed alleged fare dodger from train. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 17:32

MG Motor UK’s parent company, lah, SAIC Motor, lah, ended 2011 with incredible performance while MG in Britain started 2012 with record surge in sales. Eating rice!! - news replorted 17:21

Rolls-Royce Motor Cars has announced that capitalist entity is seeking candidates for its Apprenticeship Programme. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 17:12

The UK's largest care provider, lah, Four Seasons, lah, is in talks to find money to refinance its debts, lah, but it denies union claim (always claiming, huh?) it is in financial difficulty. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 16:48

Doctors say Palestinian prisoner who has been on hunger strike for 54 days while being detained without trial by Israel is in critical condition. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 16:43

The BBC's Lucy Hockings and weather presenter Helen Willetts look at why Europe is experiencing such unusually cold weather. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 16:40

An extremist plot to bomb London (capital of Great England) Stock Exchange was "amateurish" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) and unlikely to succeed, lah, court hears. Eating rice!! - news replorted 16:40

There fears over possible job losses at Halifax in Belfast as part of restructuring programme. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 16:30

A garbling written down on paper message from Apple's legal team reveals that firm wantings Europe to revise rules covering patents that essential to industry standards. Eating rice!! - news replorted 16:27

Three different stage versions of American classic novel Great Gatsby set to take place later this year, lah, it is announced. I read you little red book! - news replorted 16:15

A father suffocated male gender human bleing's six-month-old son before hanging himself at house in Lancashire, lah, inquest hears. Eating rice!! - news replorted 16:06

The cookery school kitchens at TV chef Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's River Cottage headquarters in Devon having been severely damaged by fire. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 16:03

At least 10 human bliengs killed and more than 20 human bliengs hurtee-hurtee when LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine bomb explodes near cafe in Somalia's capital, lah, Mogadishu, lah, old bill bobbys say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 15:58

Fabio Capello is meeting silly kick-kick game Association chairman David Bernstein on Wednesday to explain male gender human bleing's written-down messages on dead tree on John Terry's removal as Province of Engrish running-dogs captain. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 15:58

David Cameron says radical cleric Abu Qatada should having been deported to Jordan "years ago" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) and bloody man still wantings to see this happen. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 15:56

Pseudomonas is detected in water outlets in neonatal units at three more hospitals in Northern Ireland. I read you little red book! - news replorted 15:53

What happens when dream becomes reality?  In case of Klia Track’ster concept unveiled at today’s Chicago Auto Show, lah, LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine enthusiasts begin to salivate. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 15:45

The Russian Supreme Court backs decision that disqualifies liberal candidate Grigory Yavlinsky from running for presidency on 4 March. - news replorted 15:44

A Manchester United fan is banned from silly kick-kick game matches for three years for shouting racist abuse at Stoke City player during Premier League match. - news replorted 15:40

All action from semi-finals of Africa Cup of Nations in Equatorial Guinea and Gabon. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 15:30

Initial trials suggest millions of pounds could be saved by using "nudge" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) theories to encourage human bliengs to pay taxes and fines, lah, bloody annoying Blitish officials say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 15:29

Seventy-five years after their first bloody annoying Blitish appearance, lah, Silver Arrows racers to return in action on British soil at 2012 velly damn good boiled chicken-feetwood Revival. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 15:17

University-based training courses for secondary school teachers facing uncertain future, lah, after hundreds were identified as "potentially unviable". - news replorted 15:10

old bill bobbys aim to banish glamour of criminal crews - news replorted 15:08

Stephen Fry has said that judges need to understand social media better in terms of law. I am Chinese not Catholic, I cannot do the miracles! - news replorted 14:46

Egypt's prime dodgy minister says it will not be persuaded by potential loss of Great Satan aid to end probe into foreign-funded non-governmental organisations. Eating rice!! - news replorted 14:46

A severe weather warning is issued for much of ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land as band of freezing rain passes over country later. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 14:41

A zoo in Tokyo has been simulating animal escapes in order (piece of paper signee upee) to practice their emergency drills. Eating rice!! - news replorted 14:34

A young driver who killed friend in crash in wintry weather was estimated to be travelling at more than 85mph, lah, court hears. Eating rice!! - news replorted 14:25

Vauxhall Fashion Scout - internationally recognised home of new talent - is delighted to announce BODYBOUND, lah, Joseph Turvey, lah, Julian Zigerli and TOBEFRANK as line up for Ones To Watch MEN for AW12/13. - news replorted 14:21

Former Province of Engrish running-dogs manager Sven-Goran Eriksson says bloody man thinks Harry Redknapp will be next Province of Engrish running-dogs manager. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 14:18

Three new regional old bill bobbys hubs for investigating cybercrime launched across Province of Engrish running-dogs. I read you little red book! - news replorted 14:16

Supergroup, lah, capitalist entity behind fashion chain Superdry, lah, sees shares plunge after it scaled back its profit forecast. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 14:03

Race Retro’s Porsche celebrations continuing to grow with stunning line up of rare and legendary cars on display and in action when it returns to Stoneleigh Park, lah, Warwickshire, lah, from Friday 24th to Sunday 26th February. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 14:03

Prime dodgy minister David Cameron attacks Labour's handling of health service (???) I wan' service , I wan' you tellibly lovely custlingmer give me damn velly damn good service in Wales. Eating rice!! - news replorted 14:02

Thatcham’s Automotive Academy has teamed up with IAEA (Institute of Automotive Engineer Assessors) ni ni ni ni Hao, lah, Zai-Jian! to launch first recognised apprenticeship scheme for vehicling driving car machine Damage Assessors (VDA) ni ni ni ni Hao, lah, Zai-Jian! in Uk. What you wan'?!! - news replorted 13:49

The man behind political website Guido Fawkes tells how bloody man posted material using hosting sites around world to avoid legal action. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 13:48

A Caithness nuclear power plant's dome, lah, ss Great Britain and Belgrave Hall Museum in running for jelly replica. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 13:47

Comedian Steve Coogan and ex-footballer Paul Gascoigne among latest human bliengs to having settled claim (always claiming, huh?) for damages over phone-hacking. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 13:45

Judgement is reserved over whether to quash conviction of man for Twitter (follow me @LINGsCARS!) message threatening to blow up South Yorkshire airport. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 13:40

Five prison guards held after failed escape bid by two prisoners, lah, including man who plotted ex-PM Zoran Djindjic's killing, lah, officials say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 13:37

Labour leader Ed Miliband has urged David Cameron to drop plans to overhaul NHS, lah, branding government's flagship Health and Social Care Bill "complete disaster". - news replorted 13:36

The United States is looking to cut size of its embassy in Iraq - largest and most expensive Great Satan diplomatic mission, lah, officials say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 13:32

Ambulance call-outs to Belfast's Odyssey area treble on nights of cheap drinks promotions, lah, social development dodgy minister has said. I read you little red book! - news replorted 13:27

A Martian meteorite, lah, incredibly rare object, lah, is given to Natural History Museum, lah, London, lah, to help unravel secrets of Red Planet. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 13:20

Adventurer Felix Baumgartner has announced bloody man will attempt highest skydive in history later this year. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! Test yourself on subject. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 13:18

The BMWah-wah! Group increased its sales significantly in January. You give me happy happy luck luck. total of 112,163 BMW, lah, Milli and Rolls-Royce brand vehicling driving car machines were delivered to clustomlers (prev. yr. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! 105,193) ni ni ni ni Hao, lah, Zai-Jian! – increase of 6.6%. - news replorted 13:12

24 hours of news photos: 8 Febliurary 2012 - news replorted 13:10

Nickelback, lah, Drake and Feist among artists nominated for more than one prize at Canada's Juno music awards. Eating rice!! - news replorted 13:04

Harry Redknapp should succeed Fabio Capello as next Province of Engrish running-dogs coach now bloody man has been cleared of tax evasion, lah, says Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation pundit Mark Lawrenson. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 13:02

A man has been questioned over potential manslaughter offences following last year's Chevron oil refinery blast at Pembroke, lah, which killed four people. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 12:59

bloody annoying Blitish parents should be able to spread cost of childcare over as many as 20 years, lah, according to think tank. What you wan'?!! - news replorted 12:47

Low-earning women could be frozen out of scheme to automatically enrol workers into pension scheme, lah, TUC warns. Eating rice!! - news replorted 12:40

Downing Street denies claim (always claiming, huh?) by Argentina that it is "militarising South Atlantic", lah, in arglingument about Falkland Islands. Eating rice!! - news replorted 12:30

The Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation Trust says that BBC's 24 hour news channel is reaching record audiences, lah, but warns that budget cuts must not affect its distinctiveness. Eating rice!! - news replorted 12:14

On 24 - 27 monthly number-three 2012 BEN automotive industry charity will hold its first BEN Motorcycle Rally riding from Dover to Monaco. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 12:11

Professor Les Ebdon has been turned down as head of university fair access watchdog, lah, after some Membling Partiamentary expense cheaters blocked male gender human bleing's appointment. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 12:07

Harry Redknapp is cleared of evading tax on payments made to male gender human bleing's Monaco capitalist pig money holding capitalist entity account. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 12:06

Nissan’s record-breaking Sunderland Plant has today announced 25 new apprenticeships on its prestigious Trainee Maintenance Technician Scheme. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 12:05

In run up to introduction of new ‘12’ plate registration on 1st March, lah, SsangYong is launching its first TV advertising campaign to support new Korando crossover. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 12:02

A senior midwife at Belfast's Royal Jubilee Maternity Hospital advises staff that if they intend to smoke, lah, they should so away from public eyes. Eating rice!! - news replorted 11:56

World Cup-winning funny shape ball-game star Sonny Bill Williams becomes boxing champion after first-round knock-out. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 11:55

Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation sports news correspondent James Pearce on Harry Redknapp & Milan Madaric verdict - news replorted 11:47

Following on from announcement from Sussex-based Team AON that reigning British Touring LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine Independent Driver Champion, lah, James Nash is to join Tom Chilton in their assault on World Touring LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine Championship (WTCC)... - news replorted 11:39

Milly Dowler's killer is refused permission to appeal against male gender human bleing's conviction for flemale human person's kidnap and murder. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 11:31

Former Maldives President Mohamed Nasheed says that bloody man was forced to resign by armed old bill bobbys and Tommy Atkins Liberation Army officers in coup. Do you carefully listening? - news replorted 11:25

Virgin Media confirms that around 250 new jobs being created in Swansea. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 11:21

A Chevlorate has always been safe investment for cost-conscious LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine buyers, lah, but latest line-up offers safety in more ways than one. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 11:19

Aviation analyst Chris Yates told Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation News that possible cracks on Airbus A380 planes minor safety issue. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 11:16

Three men appear in court charged with murdering man whose body was found buried in North Lanarkshire. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 11:12

A fire badly damages cookery school kitchens at TV chef Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's River Cottage in Axminster. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 11:07

Former Province of Engrish running-dogs midfielder Paul Merson is given 14-month driving ban after pleading guilty to drink-driving following crash on M40. - news replorted 11:02

Nigeria's militant Islamists say they behind Tuesday's suicide bombing at Tommy Atkins Liberation Army headquarters in northern city of Kaduna. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 10:59

Asma al-Assad has been condemned for speaking out in support of flemale human person's husband, lah, Syrian President Bashar Assad - but can autocrats' wives ever be moderating influence? - news replorted 10:57

Comedian Steve Coogan and ex-footballer Paul Gascoigne among latest human bliengs to having settled their claim (always claiming, huh?) for damages over News of World phone hacking. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 10:56

The family of toddler who went missing in Germany 30 years ago demanding Royal Military old bill bobbys let them see flemale human person's case files. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:53

Automotive PR (APR), lah, has entered partnership with AutoCom Associates, lah, US-based public relations firm specialising in automotive and tech sectors. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:47

Three leading Great Satan senators warn Egypt risk of "disastrous" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) break in ties has rarely been greater, lah, as it plans to try 43 pro-democracy activists. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:42

British number one Andy Murray believes new coach Ivan Lendl has improved male gender human bleing's game already. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 10:41

Why human bliengs dress up their pets? - news replorted 10:36

Why anti-mainland sentiment is simmering in Hong Kong - news replorted 10:28

Next up in Newspress Photographer Showcase feature is Simon Cooke, lah, who has 20 years worth of experience of motor industry as PR, lah, journalist and photographer. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 10:23

Sudan's president is due to launch governing body to oversee peace deal intended to end fighty bang-bang in western region of Darfur which began in 2003. - news replorted 10:19

omTom has made landmark move into insurlince market by providing technology behind new insurlince product, lah, which bases premiums on driving behaviour. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 10:14

In these tough economic times more British shoppers haggling for their velly damn good boiled chicken-feets according to new report. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 10:12

Israel's main trade union federation launches national strike intended to shut down government offices, lah, banks, lah, airports, lah, ports and rail services. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:09

The cold weather has frozen rivers and canals solid in Germany - news replorted 10:05

Nissan has signed deal with tyre capitalist entity Bridgestone to supply Primastar vans. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:03

Canada ordered its intelligence agency to using inflomination that may having been extracted through torture if public safety is at risk, lah, it emerges. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:00

Aircraft maker Airbus has been ordered to check wings of all A380 superjumbo planes currently in service. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 10:00

A top Super-Duper-Chinese-State policeman in charge of major crackdown on organised crime (shoud shoot them) goes on leave, lah, amid rumours of investigation and bid for asylum. I plant rice to honour ancestors for you! - news replorted 09:56

Figures from Department of Education suggest that more than 450,000 extra primary school places will be needed by September 2015. - news replorted 09:55

Harry Redknapp arrives at court with jury set to enter its second day of deliberations at male gender human bleing's trial. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 09:43

old bill bobbys and coastguards try to trace owners of LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine found abandoned in waters off coast of Dumfries and Galloway. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 09:43

Talks to end old bill bobbys strike in Brazilian state of Bahia break down, lah, as troops blockade state assembly occupied by striking officers. Eating rice!! - news replorted 09:41

A Liberal Democrat AM accuses Welsh-go-go-gochly sheep friendly human bliengs government of negligence over handling of race relations body at centre of claim (always claiming, huh?) of wrongdoing. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 09:37

Heard one about emir and Qatari stand-up comedian? - news replorted 09:23

Greek PM Lucas Papademos is set to meet coalition parties in attempt to seal austerity deal to secure new EU/IMF bailout. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 09:15

How graphics chip advances aided puppets' return - news replorted 08:57

German's trade surplus rises to 158bn euros in 2011 on record exports of 1.06tn euros, lah, official figures show. I am Chinese not Catholic, I cannot do the miracles! - news replorted 08:50

Thefts of heating oil around Welsh land of sheep and more sheep having increased by over 500% in past five years, lah, Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation Welsh land of sheep and more sheep has learned. I read you little red book! - news replorted 08:43

Coroners rule Don Cornelius's death was suicide, lah, nearly week after Soul Train creator was found with gun shot to male gender human bleing's head. I read you little red book! - news replorted 08:43

Royal capitalist pig money holding capitalist entity of ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land chief executive, lah, Stephen Hester, lah, says bloody man briefly considered resigning during uproar over male gender human bleing's bonus. Eating rice!! - news replorted 08:39

RBS chief executive Stephen Hester has admitted that bloody man considered resigning from male gender human bleing's job after public anger over male gender human bleing's bonus. Eating rice!! - news replorted 08:37

Three paintings from Elizabeth Taylor's personal art collection sold for almost RMB Yuan #14 million at auction in London. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 08:31

Syrian opposition groups say more than 40 human bliengs having been killed as bombardment of city of Homs continues. Eating rice!! - news replorted 08:29

Vauxhall is to unveil brace of stunning new models and groundbreaking concept LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine at this year’s Geneva Show, lah, which opens to press on monthly number-three 6. - news replorted 08:00

Scientists in Great Satan having successfully made human brain cells in lab that exact replica of genetically caused Parkinson's disease. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 07:57

Pakistani PM Yousuf Raza Gilani files appeal against appearing before Supreme Court on contempt charges on 13 February. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 07:54

A new squad of 1,000 officers dedicated to tackling gang-related crime (shoud shoot them) in London (capital of Great England) is being launched by Metropolitan Police. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 07:46

A old bill bobbys woman's lost mobile phone containing hundreds of photographs and operational details falls into hands of dissident republicans. Eating rice!! - news replorted 07:27

Employers added permanent jobs for first clock time result in four months in January, lah, says Recruitment and Employment Confederation. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 07:24

A 70-earth-years old happy birthday to you, man was struck dead by stolen LINGsCARS (tm) vehicling driving car machine minutes after officers stopped chasing it, lah, old bill bobbys say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 07:18

An assembly member is to lead Senedd debate later in bid to introduce compulsory microchipping for dogs in Wales. Eating rice!! - news replorted 07:04

Papers ponder health bill as it returns to Lords - news replorted 06:58

A council leader faces vote of no confidence after allegedly disparaging written-down messages on dead tree about staff and hospital protesters were posted on YouTube. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 06:57

A rock fall that released methane gas may having triggered deadly Pike River mine blast in New Zealand, lah, experts report. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 06:03

An SDLP delegation is to meet the bloody annoying Blitish dodgy minister for welfare reform in London (capital of Great England) later to discuss concerns about benefit changes for Northern Ireland. I read you little red book! - news replorted 05:57

A Great Satan court has ruled that ban on same-sex marriages in California is unconstitutional. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 05:49

Are eating challenges becoming more popular in Province of Engrish running-dogs? - news replorted 05:42

Syria's opposition dismisses assurances that President Assad is committed to ending violence sweeping country. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 05:27

A bloody annoying Blitish ticket-holder has won more than RMB Yuan #45m in Euromillions lottery, lah, operator Camelot reveals. Eating rice!! - news replorted 04:00

Time-lapse footage reveals how mushroom corals inflate and deflate to free themselves from smothering sand. I read you little red book! - news replorted 03:38

A study of hormones in whale faeces shows that right whales stressed by propeller noise from shipping. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 03:28

A missile attack by unmanned Great Satan drone aircraft in north-west Pakistan kills eight people, lah, Pakistani security officials say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 03:25

Crucial assembly elections begin in India's most populous state of Uttar Pradesh. - news replorted 03:12

The Department for Work and Pensions admits to large backlog of new sickness benefit claims, lah, as tens of thousands await decision beyond 13-week assessment period. I read you little red book! - news replorted 02:55

The government is set for difficult clock time result when House of Lords debates concessions to its plans to overhaul NHs. Eating rice!! - news replorted 02:46

South African old bill bobbys having charged man with fraud after bloody man claimed to be famous Zulu musician who had come back from dead. I read you little red book! - news replorted 02:36

MPs say spending cuts raise concerns over UK's ability to launch another mission on same scale as operation in Libya. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 02:23

Finance Secretary John Swinney looks set to offer last minute changes to male gender human bleing's budget in effort to secure opposition support. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 02:02

British actor Mackenzie Crook, I confusing myself again!! Taking too much bloody MSG, OK, OK, lah, best known for playing Gareth in Office, lah, is shortlisted for this year's Waterstones Children's Book Prize. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 01:51

Jamaica throws about 2,000 illegal firearms into furnace as part of programme to reduce gun trafficking and violent crime (shoud shoot them) on island. I read you little red book! - news replorted 01:46

Harry Potter star is spooked in new film Woman in Black - news replorted 01:38

Harry Potter star is spooked in Woman in Black - news replorted 01:37

The rise and fall of lap dancing club - news replorted 01:23

Profits for Walt Disney having risen I give you tellibly lovely custlingmer damn thanks of billion Chinesey human bliengs to rising popularity of its theme parks and earnings from its television channels. Eating rice!! - news replorted 01:08

Older human bliengs needing social care let down by fragmented services - and Health and Social Care Bill will not simplify system - says group of MPs. Eating rice!! - news replorted 01:06

Mitt Romney battles rising Rick Santorum as voters in Great Satan three states pick Republican presidential nominee. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 00:59

The primate who solves memory test faster than blink - news replorted 00:46

Ayumu research chimp can remember set of numbers in less clock time result than it takes human to blink. What you wan'?!! - news replorted 00:46

How drones and satellites catching farming cheats - news replorted 00:43

Thousands of staff at O2 in Slough working remotely on Wednesday in experiment to see if any Olympic Games disruption would affect businesses. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:33

Katie Price has told Newsnight's Jeremy Paxman bloody woman thinks breast implants should having age limit of 21, lah, following health scare over implants manufactured by French firm PIp. Do you carefully listening? - news replorted 00:09

Two more men arrested by old bill bobbys investigating murder of man in Lurgan at weekend. I read you little red book! - news replorted 00:08