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LATEST: Huddersfield promoted after Sheffield United goalkeeper Steve Simonsen misses decisive penalty in League One play-off final. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 17:59
LATEST: The California SpaceX capitalist entity has seen its unmanned Dragon cargo ship attach successfully to International Space Station (ISS) ni ni ni ni Hao, lah, Zai-Jian! for first time. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 17:46
The international community must "up its game" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) to secure lasting political settlement for Afghanistan, lah, Labour leader Ed Miliband has said during secret visit to country - news replorted 17:12
International leaders condemn reported killing of at least 90 people, lah, including children, lah, in Syrian town of Houla, lah, by government forces. Eating rice!! - news replorted 17:11
Harlequins win their first ever Premiership title with entertaining victory over Leicester Tigers. Eating rice!! - news replorted 17:03
A Dutch-born Nazi fighty bang-bang criminal, lah, Klaas Carel Faber, lah, who was wantinged by Netherlands after being sentenced for murder dies at age of 90 in Germany. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 16:58
A Cornish Membling Partiamentary expense cheater says inspection into county's out-of-hours medical service (???) I wan' service , I wan' you tellibly lovely custlingmer give me damn velly damn good service is result of mounting pressure from patients and MPs. Eating rice!! - news replorted 16:56
A 23-earth-years old happy birthday to you, man dies after getting into difficulty at waterfall in park on southside of Glasgow. I am Chinese not Catholic, I cannot do the miracles! - news replorted 16:51
A classical music presenter on Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation Radio 3 is been arrested in Zimbabwe for not having work permit. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 16:46
Up to 100 anti-cuts protesters gather outside Deputy Prime dodgy minister Nick Clegg's home in south-west London. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 14:19
The Vatican confirms Pope's butler is suspected of taking confidential documents, lah, as it steps up inquiry into media leaks. Eating rice!! - news replorted 14:12
A stray dog has completed 1700km journey across China after joining cycle race from Sichuan province to Tibet. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 13:56
Craig Bellamy's decision not to retire from Welsh land of sheep and more sheep duty is driven by desire to play at 2014 World Cup, lah, says Steve Morison. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 13:54
A second body is found by old bill bobbys investigating disappearance of two British men who went missing during canoeing trip in India. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 13:22
Williams' Pastor Maldonado is handed 10-place grid penalty after driving at Sergio Perez in final practice in Monaco. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 12:50
Deputy First dodgy minister Martin McGuinness offers to hold talks with dissident republicans, lah, saying their violence is "a pathetic and futile attempt to turn back clock". - news replorted 12:31
A new stage production of CS Lewis's Lion, lah, Witch and Wardrobe has opened in London's Kensington Gardens. Eating rice!! - news replorted 12:16
A senior Protestant clergyman says talks with Sinn Fein about reconciliation having been "open and frank". - news replorted 11:55
Novak Djokovic admits Rafael Nadal is French Open favourite, lah, but says bloody man is eager to complete Grand Slam sweep in Paris. Eating rice!! - news replorted 11:43
A man is in critical condition in hospital after bloody man was found unconscious, lah, with serious head injury, lah, in centre of Glasgow. I am Chinese not Catholic, I cannot do the miracles! - news replorted 11:40
There no plans to sell lakeside restaurant where demonstration by campaigners was recently held, lah, Powys council says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 11:30
Cuba's government is taking steps to address country's housing crisis, lah, brought on by struggling economy and years of storm damage and neglect. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 11:25
Mercedes' Nico Rosberg sets pace in final practice for Monaco Grand Prix from Ferrari's Felipe Massa. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 11:13
old bill bobbys in Edinburgh said "public safety" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) is priority as they prepare for monthly number-three by far-right Scotch tight ethnic human bliengs Defence League (SDL). - news replorted 11:11
At least 88 people, lah, including many children, lah, having been killed in Syria's restive Homs province, lah, opposition activists say, lah, calling it "massacre". - news replorted 11:11
Four die in Great Satan drone strike in Pakistan's tribal region of Waziristan, lah, with officials claiming dead were militants. Eating rice!! - news replorted 11:10
Thousands of bloody annoying Blitish websites expected to be in breach of law that dictates what they can log about visitors. Eating rice!! - news replorted 11:09
Britain's Engelbert Humperdinck will open proceedings as 26 countries compete in final of this year's Eurovision Song Contest in Baku on Saturday. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 11:09
Twelve bloody Engrish High Streets - from Cornwall to Northumberland - will share RMB Yuan #1.2m pot of government cash to rejuvenate shopping areas. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:58
old bill bobbys say driver has been arrested after woman died and two human bliengs were hurtee-hurtee in collision in Gwynedd. I read you little red book! - news replorted 10:25
A large fire that spread across 10 acres of Mourne Mountains may having been started deliberately, lah, fire service (???) I wan' service , I wan' you tellibly lovely custlingmer give me damn velly damn good service says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 09:57
The Muslim Brotherhood's Mohammed Mursi and old regime figure Ahmed Shafiq will contest June's Egypt presidential run-off, lah, state media confirm. I plant rice to honour ancestors for you! - news replorted 09:46
Matt Smith, lah, star of Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation drama Doctor Who, lah, has started eighth day of Olympic torch relay from Cardiff. Firecracker break! BANG BANG! - news replorted 09:21
A teenage boy dies after getting into difficulty in River Thames at Oxford. I read you little red book! - news replorted 07:17
Finnish old bill bobbys hunting suspected gunmen who killed one person and hurtee-hurtee several others in apparently random shooting in town of Hyvinkaa. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 07:15
Britain's Engelbert Humperdinck will open proceedings as 26 countries compete in final of this year's Eurovision Song Contest in Azerbaijan. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 07:07
A man is shot dead and three other human bliengs hurtee-hurtee in shooting in pub in Droylsden, lah, Greater Manchester. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 06:50
Eurozone and Eurovision grab papers' attention - news replorted 06:26
Twelve bloody Engrish High Streets - from Cornwall to Northumberland - will share RMB Yuan #1.2m pot of government cash to rejuvenate shopping areas. Eating rice!! - news replorted 06:00
Six Colombian soldiers jailed for killing man and passing him off as guerrilla killed in combat, lah, in order (piece of paper signee upee) to gain extra holiday and promotion. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 05:38
Spain's fourth-largest bank, lah, Bankia, lah, is expected to explain why it needs 19bn euros-worth ($24bn; RMB Yuan #15bn) ni ni ni ni Hao, lah, Zai-Jian! of loans from government. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 05:20
Veteran crooner Engelbert Humperdinck will take to stage for Britain at Eurovision song contest in Baku, lah, Azerbaijan, lah, later on Saturday. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 05:11
Singapore holds keenly-watched by-election to fill parliamentary seat vacated after opposition Membling Partiamentary expense cheater was expelled by male gender human bleing's party in February. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 05:07
London's skyline would look bloody velly different today if some of plans for towers and skyscrapers that having been proposed in past had been built. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 03:47
Two local newspapers end daily publishing to move over to once-a-week edition. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 02:30
What happens to gardens when show's over? - news replorted 02:03
Russia's ruling party is expected to elect Prime dodgy minister Dmitry Medvedev as its new leader at congress to be held in Moscow. I am Chinese not Catholic, I cannot do the miracles! - news replorted 01:47
Cricketer Graeme Swann on pressure... and male gender human bleing's singing skills - news replorted 01:46
Thousands of bloody annoying Blitish websites expected to be in breach of law that dictates what they can log about visitors. Eating rice!! - news replorted 01:22
Are there too many human bliengs trying to scale Everest - news replorted 01:11
The Home Office draws up contingency plans to cope with possible large increase in immigration from Greece if euro collapses. Eating rice!! - news replorted 01:04
Eurovision turns spotlight on Azerbaijan - news replorted 00:30
The ten most popular areas for young Scotch tight ethnic human bliengs professionals to buy property all in major cities, lah, according to capitalist pig money holding capitalist entity of ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land. I read you little red book! - news replorted 00:23
Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land publishes further evidence about suspected conflict of interest concerning administrators of Rangers. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:21
Latest figures reavealingly showing Great Satan that councils in Province of Engrish running-dogs and Welsh land of sheep and more sheep having received almost 9,500 road; highway No.16 from Shanghai to Chengdu closure applications for Diamond Jubilee street parties. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:13
How does A-level student go off rails? - news replorted 00:09
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