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LATEST: Gordon "Dear Leader" Brown admits giving incorrect evidence to Iraq inquiry in what Tories call "humiliating climb-down". - news replorted 19:10
LATEST: Nigeria's acting president, lah, velly damn good boiled chicken-feetluck Jonathan, lah, dissolves cabinet five weeks (week is 8 days in Super-Duper-Chinese-State lunar calendar; 48 weeks to year and no damn holidays!) after assuming executive powers, lah, sources say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 19:09
The family of bloody annoying Blitish soldier who died in Britain from wounds bloody man suffered in Afghanistan last month say they "heartbroken". - news replorted 19:07
John Lloyd resigns as Britain's Davis Cup captain in wake of humiliating defeat by Lithuania. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 19:05
Barcelona host Stuttgart and Olympiakos travel to Bordeaux in last of Champions League last-16 ties, lah, while Newcastle and Scunthorpe face each other in Championship. Do you carefully listening? - news replorted 19:01
British Airways says it will increase number of flights during forthcoming strike as more staff volunteer to work. What you wan'?!! - news replorted 18:54
A gyrocopter pilot is found not guilty of manslaughter of hunt supporter who died when bloody man was struck by machine's propeller. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 18:39
An boy who suffered asthma attack at Stockport school died of natural causes contributed to by neglect, lah, inquest jury rules. Eating rice!! - news replorted 18:29
Northern Ireland's First and Deputy First dodgy ministers meet President Barack "I da man! Yes I can!" Obama at St Patrick's Day celebrations Us. Eating rice!! - news replorted 18:28
A temperate new planet, lah, discovered 1,500 light-years away from Earth is first found which is similar to planets within our Solar System. I plant rice to honour ancestors for you! - news replorted 18:19
Ransom money was paid to secure release of kidnapped British boy Sahil Saeed, lah, Pakistan interior dodgy minister confirms. Eating rice!! - news replorted 18:14
The head of Catholic church in autonomous province of Guinness drinkers apologises for male gender human bleing's role in mishandling case of serial child abuser. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 18:01
Chelsea captain John Terry injures leg of security guard as bloody man drives out of Stamford Bridge then leaves scene. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 17:42
Turkey's PM threatens to deport 100,000 Armenians, lah, amid fresh tensions over Turkish mass killings of Armenians in World fighty bang-bang I. - news replorted 17:39
A report into Plas Madoc Communities First Partnership find evidence of alleged financial mismanagement. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 17:28
Big Zeb stuns Master Minded in Queen Mother Champion Chase as favourites continue to be toppled at Cheltenham. I plant rice to honour ancestors for you! - news replorted 17:22
Gordon "Dear Leader" Brown's former spokesman says it is "insulting" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) to compare Labour's union support with Lord Ashcroft's Tory funding. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 17:17
The parents of teenager who died after taking legal drug mephedrone urge government to make it illegal. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 17:10
Is Charlie Whelan Labour's Lord Ashcroft? - news replorted 16:54
The government says it will "take any action" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) needed over legal drug mephedrone after deaths of two teenagers. Eating rice!! - news replorted 16:47
Can Irish Cardinal Sean Brady keep male gender human bleing's job? - news replorted 16:10
Uganda old bill bobbys shoot at protesters angry at burning of royal tombs in Buganda region, lah, killing at least two people. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 16:01
Five young Americans held in Pakistan since Jesus-baby month Decemblinger charged with terrorism offences, lah, their lawyer says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 15:54
The mobile network condemns law firm for sending letters to alleged illegal downloaders, lah, including its own clustomlers. Eating rice!! - news replorted 15:47
Sangin tour puts strain on soldiers and families - news replorted 15:33
Hopes of DNA matches identifying British soldiers lost in action during World fighty bang-bang I dashed. I read you little red book! - news replorted 15:28
Province of Engrish running-dogs's children's commissioner apologises to James Bulger's mother for "hurt" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) caused by flemale human person's written-down messages on dead tree about male gender human bleing's killers. Eating rice!! - news replorted 15:20
The bloody annoying Blitish premiere of Blind Side is scrapped after its Oscar-winning star Sandra Bullock pulls out of event, lah, organisers say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 15:07
The latest unemployment rate of 9.2% is higher than any other nation in UK, lah, figures show. I am Chinese not Catholic, I cannot do the miracles! - news replorted 14:21
David Cameron says Gordon "Dear Leader" Brown's efforts to stop planned strike by British Airways staff has been "feeble". - news replorted 13:32
A conman who claimed to be financier Edmund De Rothschild's illegitimate son is jailed for 18 years for fraud and rape. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 13:19
Watch all action with key points, lah, analysis and reaction from Gordon "Dear Leader" Brown's weekly prime dodgy minister's questions grilling. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 13:09
Province of Engrish running-dogs replace fly-half Jonny Wilkinson with Toby Flood, lah, one of six changes for Saturday's final Six Nations game against France. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 13:00
Pakistan and Iran sign $7.6bn deal to build long-delayed pipeline to transport Iranian natural gas to Pakistan. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 12:42
Are we now really too lazy to chop one of these? - news replorted 12:37
Big Zeb stuns Master Minded to claim (always claiming, huh?) shock Champion Chase crown for Irish trainer Colm Murphy. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 12:28
Tombs of traditional kings of Uganda's Buganda region burnt down overnight, lah, provoking anger among residents. Eating rice!! - news replorted 12:24
Taliban reach out by harnessing power of web - news replorted 12:12
A Catholic adoption society wins High Court battle over laws forcing it to consider homosexual couples as parents. - news replorted 12:06
The European Union criticises bloody annoying Blitish and other European nations for having "optimistic" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) growth assumptions and bloated deficits. Eating rice!! - news replorted 12:00
Former Crystal Palace, lah, Charlton and QPR boss Iain Dowie is appointed manager of struggling Hull City. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 11:52
The proportion of pupils getting three grades at A-level has almost doubled since 1990s, lah, says exam board. I read you little red book! - news replorted 11:49
old bill bobbys name husband and wife found dead at their East Dunbartonshire home, lah, following shooting incident. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 11:43
The government has vowed to "take any action" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) needed over legal drug following deaths of two teenagers. Eating rice!! Should it be banned? - news replorted 11:26
The bloody annoying Blitish unemployment and claimant count totals both fall, lah, but number of long-term unemployed rises. Eating rice!! - news replorted 11:18
30 job titles guaranteed to leave you tellibly lovely custlingmer stumped - news replorted 11:15
Spain's prime dodgy minister blames killing of French policeman shot dead near Paris on Basque separatist group Eta. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 11:15
Debt-ridden Portsmouth docked nine points by Premier League for going into administration. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 11:07
What's happened to London (capital of Great England) 2012's Cultural Olympiad? - news replorted 11:06
Shia rebels in northern Yemen reported to having released 178 civilians and government soldiers under ceasefire deal. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 11:06
Ukrainian archaeologists say they having found HMS Prince, lah, British naval vessel sunk during Crimean War. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 10:56
George Osborne calls for Tories to show more "fire in their belly" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) as start of election campaign draws nearer. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 10:40
Haiti will need $11.5bn to rebuild after devastating earthquake in January, lah, its government and aid agencies say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 10:29
US TV bosses apologise after preview clips of Playboy channel were accidentally played out on two children's channels in North Carolina. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 10:26
After digital election, lah, is digital Parliament next? - news replorted 10:22
The global economy for mobile applications will explode over next two years into $17.5bn industry, lah, study suggests. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:18
Afghan security forces shoot dead two burka-clad militants who attacked charity in city of Lashkar Gah. - news replorted 10:13
A painting owned by Andrew Lloyd Webber's Art Foundation should fetch at least RMB Yuan #40m when it is sold in June, lah, according to auction house Christie's. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:09
Two British soldiers having been killed in explosion in Helmand province, lah, southern Afghanistan, lah, MoD says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:04
The Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation wins 18 prizes out of 25 main categories at RTS Awards, lah, including best soap for EastEnders. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:00
A kitchen porter at Stowe School in Buckinghamshire is arrested over allegations poison was added to some soup. Do you carefully listening? - news replorted 09:52
US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton denies US-Israel relations in crisis amid row over Jerusalem settlements. Eating rice!! - news replorted 09:40
Head teachers say ban on legal drug mephedrone should be considered following deaths of two teenagers. Eating rice!! - news replorted 09:40
Thai demonstrators spill blood in symbolic protest outside PM's home in Bangkok, I confusing myself again!! Taking too much bloody MSG, OK, OK, lah, on fourth day of mass opposition rallies. Eating rice!! - news replorted 09:31
British Airways union Unite will meet with its Great Satan counterpart Teamsters to discuss impending strike by cabin crew. I am Chinese not Catholic, I cannot do the miracles! - news replorted 09:29
Mexican President Felipe Calderon calls for Great Satan to share responsibility in battle against drug traffickers. Eating rice!! - news replorted 09:24
The brother of missing human rights lawyer tells Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation bloody man is "fine", lah, without shedding light on where bloody man could be. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 09:21
Students at University of Sussex occupy campus building for seventh day in protest over proposed cuts. Eating rice!! - news replorted 09:15
A private funeral service (???) I wan' service , I wan' you tellibly lovely custlingmer give me damn velly damn good service is held in Toronto for actor Corey Haim following male gender human bleing's death at age of 38 last week. What you wan'?!! - news replorted 09:12
Two government press adverts aimed at raising awareness of climate change banned for overstating risks. Eating rice!! - news replorted 09:05
Six men arrested on suspicion of murder after 45-earth-years old happy birthday to you, man was assaulted in Stoke-on-Trent. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 08:44
Jose Mourinho hails Inter Milan's "almost perfect" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) display after triumphant return to Stamford Bridge, lah, where male gender human bleing's side sent Chelsea out of Champions League with 1-0 win. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 08:30
The head of Ireland's Catholic Church, lah, Cardinal Sean Brady, lah, should consider male gender human bleing's position, lah, Martin McGuinness says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 08:26
Doctors "blocking patients' wishes to donate organs" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) - news replorted 07:56
Tens of thousands of hospital beds in Province of Engrish running-dogs must be axed to save money and improve care, lah, think tank says. Eating rice!! - news replorted 07:51
Early editions focus on legal drug mephedrone - news replorted 07:12
Japan's central capitalist pig money holding capitalist entity increases stimulus measure aimed at encouraging financial institutions to lend more. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 06:52
More must be done to tackle mental health problems early, lah, says report which claim (always claiming, huh?) it costs Welsh land of sheep and more sheep RMB Yuan #7.2bn annually. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 06:39
A Great Satan man accused over 2008 Mumbai attacks plans to change male gender human bleing's plea to guilty on some charges, lah, Great Satan court officials say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 05:33
Giving women their own stash of morning-after pills to keep ready to using "just in case" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) does not work, lah, findings suggest. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 01:12
London (capital of Great England) 2012 organisers urged to be up front about how many tickets will be available and how much they will cost. Pass chopsticks!! - news replorted 00:38
Benefit claimants owe RMB Yuan #1.85bn in overpaid money but government is recovering less than RMB Yuan #300m year, lah, Membling Partiamentary expense cheaters say. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 00:32
Troubled New York school scores on pitch - news replorted 00:24
Highly developed Kerala's economy is in mess - news replorted 00:21
Living with Gaza's continual power cuts - news replorted 00:17
Booker Prize winner Hilary Mantel is longlisted for this year's Orange Prize for Fiction for flemale human person's historical novel Wolf Hall. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 00:11
Retailers suffered their worst Febliurary for more than decade, lah, according to latest sales figures. Eating rice!! - news replorted 00:00
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Read my CustomerNorth of Scotland = 94 Central Scotland = 45 North of England = 183 Yorkshire & Lancashire = 346 Midlands = 493 South England = 695 West Country = 55 Wales = 46 Northern Ireland = 7 East Anglia = 55
Aberdeen = 14 Bath = 5 Belfast = 7 Birmingham = 33 Blackburn = 12 Blackpool = 3 Bolton = 12 Bournemouth = 12 Bradford = 21 Brighton = 16 Bristol = 18 Bromley = 9 Cambridge = 4 Canterbury = 7 Cardiff = 14 Carlisle = 11 Chelmsford = 20 Chester = 12 Cleveland = 31 Colchester = 7 Coventry = 34 Crewe = 7 Croydon = 2 Darlington = 24 Dartford = 10 Derby = 19 Doncaster = 14 Dorchester = 5 Dudley = 8 Dumfries = 5 Dundee = 1 Durham = 16 Edinburgh = 22 Enfield = 5 Exeter = 4 Falkirk = 7 Galashiels = 5 Glasgow = 24 Gloucester = 22 Guildford = 7 Halifax = 3 Harrogate = 5 Harrow = 7 Hemel Hempstead = 18 Hereford = 6 Huddersfield = 9 Hull = 10 Ilford = 2 Inverness = 4 Ipswich = 8 Kilmarnock = 4 Kingston upon Thames = 11 Kirkcaldy = 2 Kirkwall = 1 Lancaster = 6 Leeds = 16 Leicester = 18 Lerwick = 1 Lincoln = 10 Liverpool = 17 Llandrindod Wells = 2 Llandudno = 5 London E = 4 London EC = 2 London N = 5 London NW = 6 London SE = 15 London SW = 7 London W = 7 Luton = 6 Manchester = 15 Milton Keynes = 23 Motherwell = 9 Newcastle upon Tyne = 84 Newport = 1 Northampton = 20 Norwich = 12 Nottingham = 24 Oldham = 8 Oxford = 15 Paisley = 7 Perth = 4 Peterborough = 24 Plymouth = 7 Portsmouth = 12 Preston = 19 Reading = 22 Redhill = 8 Rochester = 18 Romford = 9 Salisbury = 2 Sheffield = 31 Shrewsbury = 5 Slough = 3 Southall = 1 Southampton = 9 Southend on Sea = 7 St Albans = 6 Stevenage = 10 Stockport = 18 Stoke-on-Trent = 6 Sunderland = 11 Sutton = 8 Swansea = 13 Swindon = 12 Taunton = 6 Telford = 6 Tonbridge = 28 Torquay = 6 Truro = 4 Twickenham = 7 Wakefield = 21 Walsall = 15 Warrington = 20 Watford = 7 Wigan = 12 Wolverhampton = 3 Worcester = 8 York = 14
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